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Shell Throws a Billion-Dollar Bash as the Planet Heats Up, While Greenpeace Crashes the Party

Greenpeace photo…

Posted by John Donovan: 3 Feb 24

In an epic saga that could only be described as “The Great Gatsby” meets “Mad Max,” Shell, the notorious climate party pooper, has once again danced its way into the headlines.

This time, the British behemoth announced a whopping £22.4 billion in annual profits, all while Greenpeace activists, dressed in their finest mock-Shell board member attire, threw a rager outside Shell HQ, complete with a burning sign aptly named ‘Your Future.’

Yes, dear reader, as the world simmered under record global temperatures, Shell was busy counting its coins, proving once again that while Rome burns, the emperors are having a blast. The eco-warriors, not ones to miss a beat, decided if you can’t beat them, throw a better party. So, they necked champagne, fanned wads of cash, and danced the conga around the blazing truth that Shell seems all too eager to ignore. read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

Shell Strikes It Rich in LNG Lottery While Tossing Crumbs of Greenery to the Masses

Posted by John Donovan: 3 Feb 24

Once upon a time, Shell, the oil behemoth with a soft spot for environmental exploitation, threw down a whopping $70 billion to snatch up the British gas company BG Group. This wasn’t just your average mega-corporation hoarding; no, this was Shell’s grand pivot to become a titan in the liquefied natural gas (LNG) arena. Until then, their portfolio was just your run-of-the-mill pipeline gas and, of course, our planet’s lifeblood – oil.

The big bet? LNG could be the golden ticket. Europe was giving Russian gas the cold shoulder, and for everyone else, LNG was like a trendy detox diet for their energy consumption – not quite the green smoothie of wind and solar, but hey, it was something. Shell theorized that because natural gas throws fewer tantrums than oil, we could still pat ourselves on the back for fighting climate change. read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

Shell Throws Cash Fiesta for Shareholders as Profits Take a ‘Modest’ Dip

“As we enter 2024, we are continuing to simplify our organization with a focus on delivering more value with less emissions,” proclaimed Wael Sawan, Shell’s chief executive, presumably with a straight face.

Posted by John Donovan: 1 Feb 24

In the latest saga of “Billionaires at Play,” Shell, the oil behemoth with a heart of coal, has graciously announced a titanic profit of only $28.2 billion for 2023, a tear-jerking decrease from its 2022 high of $39.9 billion. Cue the violins, as this marks a somber moment in Shell’s 115-year history of environmental philanthropy.

As oil and gas prices took a nap last year, Shell’s profits decided to join them, resulting in a mere $7.3 billion in the last quarter, a figure that somehow still managed to exceed the low expectations of analysts. “As we enter 2024, we are continuing to simplify our organization with a focus on delivering more value with less emissions,” proclaimed Wael Sawan, Shell’s chief executive, presumably with a straight face. read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

Shell Plays Green Dress-Up for Shareholders While Profits Take a Dive

Let’s make money while pretending we care about the planet.

Posted by John Donovan: 31 Jan 24

Ladies and gentlemen, gather ’round for the latest episode of “Shell’s Green Masquerade.” While Shell has been playing the quiet game, BP’s former finance boss-turned-chief executive, Murray Auchincloss, has been hogging the spotlight. But fear not, Shell hasn’t been napping. They’ve been laser-focused on the most important thing in the universe: shareholder returns.

In a heartwarming message to analysts last June, Shell reassured everyone, “We need to continue to create profitable business models that can be scaled at pace to truly impact the de-carbonisation of the global energy system.” Translation: Let’s make money while pretending we care about the planet. read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

Shell’s Latest Greenwashing Masterstroke: Converting Refinery to Make Fancy Oils While Keeping the Oil Party Going Elsewhere

Posted by John Donovan: 26 Jan 24

In a dazzling display of environmental sleight of hand, Shell Deutschland GmbH has triumphantly announced its Final Investment Decision (FID) to give a green makeover to its Wesseling site at the Energy and Chemicals Park Rheinland. The plan? To transform the hydrocracker into a glitzy production unit for Group III base oils, the crème de la crème of lubricants for those fancy engine and transmission oils. Because, as we all know, the real key to saving the planet is in smoother-running engines. read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

Shell Sues Greenpeace for $2.1 Million: An Episode Straight Out of ‘Succession’

Maybe HBO should consider a spin-off: “Succession: The Shell Chronicles.” Stay tuned for the next episode, where Shell might just take legal action against Mother Nature for climate change.

Posted by John Donovan: 24 Jan 24

In the latest episode of “Real Life Imitates Succession,” Shell, the ever-so-conscientious oil giant, has decided to take a leaf out of Cousin Greg’s playbook. That’s right, folks – Shell is suing Greenpeace for a whopping $2.1 million! It seems like Shell’s boardroom, with all its drama, might give the Roy family a run for their money.

So, what’s the deal? Shell is demanding a cool million in damages, plus legal fees, because six fearless Greenpeace activists decided to have a little 13-day vacation on a moving oil platform. Talk about a high-seas adventure! But wait, there’s more – the lawsuit could skyrocket to $8.6 million if contractors decide they want a piece of the action. Shell’s generosity knows no bounds, offering to reduce the lawsuit if Greenpeace promises to stop party crashing at Shell’s oil and gas shindigs in the future. read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

Yannick Bolloré, Climate’s Newest Champion, Boldly Teams Up with Shell for a Greener Wallet

“B Corps should not be producing marketing and PR for the world’s biggest polluters.”

Posted by John Donovan: 24 Jan 24

Oh, the sweet, sweet irony! Here we have Yannick Bolloré, our gallant hero and CEO of the Havas Group, casually chilling on the French Riviera, all the while juggling his gold pendant and an impressive collection of wristbands that scream ‘I care about the Earth’. But wait, what’s this? His company, Havas – a tiny, almost insignificant global ad agency with mere revenues of 2.3 billion euros – has decided to buddy up with Shell, the world’s fifth-largest oil company. Talk about an unexpected plot twist! read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

A Gripping David vs. Goliath Tale – John Donovan vs Shell

SENT 21 JAN 24 BY JOHN DONOVAN TO LITTLE GEM, PRODUCERS OF MR BATES vs THE POST OFFICE

I hope this message finds you well amidst the buzz created by the “Mr. Bates vs The Post Office” dramatization. That gripping portrayal of an underdog’s battle has undoubtedly opened the floodgates for stories of similar David vs Goliath confrontations.

I’m reaching out to share a compelling, real-life narrative that could rival any fictional drama with its intense plot twists and dark undertones. I invite you to explore the saga of John Donovan vs Shell – a story that unfolds like a thrilling novel, complete with corporate espionage, legal battles, and a fight against environmental injustice. read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

Shell Dodging Responsibility One Oil Spill at a Time

In the Niger Delta, where Shell’s oil operations have been as welcome as a mosquito at a BBQ…

Posted by John Donovan: 19 Jan 24

In the latest episode of ‘Shell’s Adventures in Nigeria,’ the British multinational energy giant, known for its gentle caress of the environment (cue eye roll), has announced plans to sell off its onshore Nigerian subsidiary, Shell Petroleum Development Company (SPDC). The price tag? A cool $2.4 billion (€2.2 billion). The buyers? Renaissance, a band of Nigerian explorers and an international energy group. But wait, there’s a catch – it’s still waiting for the Nigerian government’s thumbs up. read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

Shell’s Eco-Friendly Fairy Tale Ends in Canada: Greenpeace Waves Magic Wand

Posted by John Donovan: 18 Jan 24

Once upon a time, Shell, the oil giant known for its love affair with the environment (wink, wink), launched an ad campaign in 2020 that was like a fairy tale. They promised the Canadian public that by buying their fossil fuels, they could magically “Drive carbon neutral” thanks to carbon offsets. It’s like saying eating more cake will help you lose weight, but only if you believe hard enough!

But here comes Greenpeace Canada, the party pooper, filing a complaint with the Competition Bureau. They were like that one kid at the party who said, “But the Emperor has no clothes!” Greenpeace pointed out that Shell’s claims were as shaky as a house of cards in a tornado. The big question: Could Shell really offset all emissions from “production through to the use of the fuel”? Spoiler alert: The evidence was as solid as a ghost. read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

New Motto at Shell California Gas Stations: ‘Gift Cards Welcome, Extra Charges Guaranteed!’

Posted by John Donovan: 18 Jan 2024

In a move that’s less ‘filling up your tank’ and more ’emptying your wallet,’ Shell is now starring in a class action lawsuit. The allegation? Their gas stations have a peculiar habit of charging those who use a Shell gift card the credit card price for gasoline, instead of the cash price. Because who doesn’t love a surprise surcharge with their gift card?

Here’s the fun part: California civil code, clearly a document Shell uses as a coaster, states that any gift card sold after Jan. 1, 1997, should be redeemable for its cash value. So, in theory, these gift cards ought to be valid for the cash price at Shell stations. But theory and practice are two different things in Shell’s world. read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

Shell Plays It Safe, Pauses Red Sea Shipments

Posted by John Donovan 16 Jan 24

In a move that’s less ‘brave explorer’ and more ‘cautious cat’, Shell, the British oil giant, has reportedly paused its Red Sea fiesta, halting all shipments through this aquatic party zone. Why? Because the Houthi rebels from Yemen have decided to be uninvited party crashers, targeting commercial vessels on this crucial global trade route.

The Wall Street Journal spilt the tea first, citing those ever-mysterious ‘unnamed sources’. When FOX Business tried to get the lowdown from Shell’s office for the Americas, they were met with radio silence. And, in true secretive fashion, the Journal says Shell declined to comment. Talk about playing hard to get! read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

Shell’s ‘Nigerian Goodbye’: A Legacy of Spills, Lawsuits, and a $2.4 Billion ‘See Ya!’

Posted by John Donovan 16 Jan 24

In a move that’s less ‘farewell’ and more ‘good riddance’, Shell is kissing goodbye to its Nigerian onshore oil and gas operations. After almost a century, Shell is packing up its toys – a sprawling network of wells, pipelines, and the occasional oil spill – and handing them over to a consortium for a cool $2.4 billion. Because when you’ve pioneered an industry with a track record of spills and lawsuits, why not cash in one last time? read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

Shell’s Pricey Petrol

SHELL IS THE MOST EXPENSIVE PETROL AND DIESEL BRAND IN THE UK

When approached for a comment, Shell, probably busy counting their extra pennies, pointed out that prices vary for mundane reasons …

Posted by John Donovan: 13 Jan 2024

In a dazzling display of corporate generosity, Shell has once again claimed the throne as the monarch of pricey petrol in the UK. Their branded UK forecourts, seemingly allergic to affordability, charged an average of 142.6p per litre for petrol on Thursday. This finding, courtesy of the RAC Foundation, a motoring research charity, underscores Shell’s commitment to ensuring your wallet gets a rigorous exercise every time you refuel.

In this exclusive club of costly fuel, Shell stations are like the VIP section, with their petrol prices outshining all other major retailers. It’s as if they’re hosting a lavish party where the entry fee is just a few extra pennies per litre. But hey, who’s counting?

Now, let’s not forget about supermarket-branded fuel, the humble cousin in this fuel price family reunion. They remain the economical choice, yet the savings gap has been slimming down in recent years, like a diet plan that’s slowly losing its effectiveness.

Morrisons, however, emerges as the people’s champion in this race to the bottom (of prices, that is). Their forecourts have been crowned the most budget-friendly, charging an average of 136.9p per litre for petrol and 145.5p per litre for diesel. To put this into perspective, filling a 55-litre family petrol car at Morrisons instead of Shell saves you £3.14 – that’s almost enough for a fancy coffee!

When approached for a comment, Shell, probably busy counting their extra pennies, pointed out that prices vary for mundane reasons like buying and transporting fuel, and operating each site. They also noted that they only legally control prices at half of the Shell-branded stations in the UK. The other half are run by independent dealers who set their own prices, presumably while twirling their mustaches and laughing maniacally.

Just for kicks, here’s a ranking of fuel retailers according to the average price for a litre of petrol, as per the RAC Foundation’s findings:

  1. Shell: 142.6p (because why not?)
  2. BP: 140.8p (close, but no cigar)
  3. Esso: 139.5p (trying hard)
  4. Texaco: 138.7p (middle of the pack)
  5. Applegreen: 138.0p (green but not cheap)
  6. Jet: 137.9p (flying high)
  7. Tesco: 137.4p (every little helps)
  8. Sainsbury’s: 137.3p (living well for less?)
  9. Asda: 137.2p (saving you money every day?)
  10. Morrisons: 136.9p (every penny counts)

So, next time you’re at a Shell station, remember you’re not just filling your tank; you’re participating in a grand tradition of paying just a little bit more for the privilege. Happy motoring!

DISCLAIMER: Content published on this non-commercial platform may incorporate information generated by Artificial Intelligence (AI) and various other technological means, including translation and information published on Wikipedia. The articles presented may be satirical adaptations derived from one or more previously published sources, crafted to maintain factual accuracy while incorporating elements of satire. Individuals or entities mentioned in our articles are encouraged to notify us of any inaccuracies that may require rectification. Readers are advised to verify all information for accuracy and completeness independently.
This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

Shell’s Nigerian Legal Hoopla: Supreme Court Says ‘Yes’ to Pollution Appeal

Shell is still juggling legal hot potatoes both in Nigeria and the United Kingdom. In one corner, about 1,200 plaintiffs in Akure are crying foul over a 2011 oil spill. In the other corner, a UK court is letting a group of Nigerian fishermen cast their legal nets against Shell in yet another lengthy legal saga.

Posted by John Donovan: 8 Jan 24

In a plot twist worthy of a courtroom drama, Shell plc’s Nigerian subsidiary, Shell Petroleum Development Co. (SPDC), has scored what can only be described as a legal slam dunk. Nigeria’s Supreme Court, in a move that surely had Shell’s execs high-fiving, upheld its appeal in a pollution case. This 2022 decision is a big deal, potentially unlocking the gates for Shell to sell off its multi-billion-dollar assets in Nigeria.

Let’s set the legal scene: SPDC, clutching a 30% stake in a Nigerian joint venture, found itself in a pickle when a court order put a big red stop sign on divesting assets until the pollution case was wrapped up. This not only put a wrench in Shell’s plans to offload its onshore oil operations but also highlighted the tangled web of legal challenges in the region. read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.

Shell’s Financial Rollercoaster: Big Bucks in Gas, Oopsies in Chemicals

Posted by John Donovan 8 Jan 24

In a stunning display of financial gymnastics, Shell has managed to pull off a spectacular feat: raking in the dough from gas trading while simultaneously flagging a modest $2.5 billion to $4.5 billion in impairment costs.

The FTSE 100 energy behemoth, in a Monday announcement that must have had its accountants in a tizzy, warned that it’s expecting to declare these little oopsies in charges. Apparently, these are mostly thanks to its Singapore-based refining and chemical hub having a bit of an off day. read more

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, and shellnews.net, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.
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