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Daily Telegraph: If a chap has feelings towards his bicycle, what’s the problem?

Jan Moir

Why has Robert Stewart been put on the sex offenders’ list for having sex with a bicycle? Can’t a person have sex with the inanimate object of his choice, without it coming to the attention of the police?

Mr Stewart was discovered having sexual relations with a consenting bicycle (but without onions) in the privacy of his Ayr hostel bedroom by two chambermaids. They knocked to gain access, then walked in when no reply was forthcoming.

That’s so annoying, isn’t it, especially when one is reaching a private moment of rare rapture with one’s -inner tube?

Unfortunately for Mr Stewart, the chambermaids were not fitted with shock absorbers. Instead of closing the door and letting true love take its course, they reported him to the hostel manager, who called the police.

The rest, unfortunately for Mr Stewart, is cyber-history. Thanks to the internet, his tendresse towards his non-motor vehicle has been cast to the five continents; gone around the world in a fast-pedalling whizz of titters and innuendo. This seems so unfair.

For example, the most popular sex toy in Britain is the Rampant Rabbit, available at any branch of Ann Summers and the subject of a popular mockumentary called Rabbit Fever. It is no secret that the Rabbit is a rather terrifying-looking object.

No woman I know has ever attempted to cycle down the street on one, but it looks entirely possible. Would the staff of file hostel be equally offended if they found guests alone with a Rabbit, or even a slightly jaded-looking Jemima Puddleduck?

If the bicycle in question was a child’s model, one could understand me staff’s unease, but there has been no suggestion of this. Although Stewart’s name has been placed on the register, his sentence is deferred until next month. Perhaps sense will prevail between now and then.

Jan Moir on Wednesday

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31 October 2007 and its sister websites,,,,, and are all owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia article.

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