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Shell’s Corporate Doublespeak: “Sorry, But We Can’t Save the Planet if You Can’t Pay Your Energy Bill!”

Posted by John Donovan 2 April 2024

In a bizarre turn of events that left many scratching their heads in disbelief, Shell has taken to the courts to argue that saving the planet might just be a tad too expensive. Because who needs clean air and a livable future when you can have cheap gas and record profits, am I right?

As a crucial climate case unfolded in The Hague, lawyers for Shell PLC pulled out all the stops with their jaw-dropping argument: If ordinary citizens can’t afford their energy bills, then forget about saving the planet. Because apparently, the only thing standing between us and climate catastrophe is the price of a monthly utility bill.

In what can only be described as a masterclass in corporate doublespeak, Shell’s lawyer, Daan Lunsingh Scheurleer, solemnly declared in court: “If people can no longer pay for their energy or that energy is no longer reliable… the support of people in the country… for the energy transition will be lost.” Translation: Sorry, folks, but saving the planet is just too damn expensive.

But wait, it gets better. Shell went on to argue that a previous ruling ordering the oil and gas giant to slash its greenhouse gases faster had “no legal basis” and would be “ineffective and counterproductive.” Because apparently, saving the planet is only worth it if it doesn’t interfere with Shell’s bottom line.

Meanwhile, environmentalists were left shaking their heads in disbelief at Shell’s audacity. Roger Cox, Milieudefensie’s lawyer, didn’t mince words when he pointed out that Shell’s activities and the fossil products it sells violate human rights, particularly the right to life. But hey, who needs human rights when there’s money to be made, right?

As the courtroom drama unfolds, one thing is clear: Shell’s hilarious defense is just the latest example of corporate greed run amok. And while the fate of the planet hangs in the balance, Shell is busy counting its profits – because in the end, that’s all that really matters, isn’t it?

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