Will Shell Finally Swallow BP?

This article was generated with the support of AI and reviewed by an editor for factual accuracy and satirical tone.

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The fossil fuel fanfiction nobody asked for is back: Shell might finally devour BP — in what could become the biggest unholy alliance since, well… Shell and apartheid South Africa.

That’s right: after years of flirting and fumbling, the dirtiest merger fantasy in Big Oil is once again swirling through boardrooms and Bloomberg alerts.

Why now? Because activist hedge fund Elliott Management just bought a nearly 5% stake in BP and immediately demanded a boardroom bloodletting. Cue another round of speculation that Shell, Chevron, ADNOC, or some other oil-drunk conglomerate might swoop in and “rescue” BP from its decade-long identity crisis.

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💸 From Climate Conscience to Carbon Comeback

Let’s be real. BP tried to be “Beyond Petroleum.” It failed. Then it tried to be “Back to Petroleum.” That’s failing too.

Under ex-CEO Bernard Looney, BP flirted with renewables. Under current boss Murray Auchincloss, it’s back to oil and gas — because apparently, investor returns matter more than a habitable climate.

But the markets remain unimpressed. BP’s share price has underperformed all four of its Big Oil peers — Shell, ExxonMobil, Chevron, and TotalEnergies — for five years straight. Even the PR stunts aren’t working anymore.

Now Elliott’s circling like a vulture in a tuxedo, and analysts are once again whispering: Is it time for Shell to pounce?

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🦈 Shell: From Spycraft to Supermergers?

If you think Shell is just another energy company, you haven’t been paying attention.

This is the same Shell that:

• Hired Hakluyt, a British private intelligence firm set up by ex-MI6 agents, to spy for Shell against perceived enemies. 

• Was linked to funding South Africa’s apartheid regime, keeping oil flowing when ethics should’ve cut supply

• Has spent the last two decades greenwashing with one hand and drilling with the other

And now Shell might merge with BP? What could possibly go wrong?

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🤝 Mega-Merger, or Mega-Mess?

In fairness, BP is a juicy target:

• It’s got major U.S. assets, especially in the Gulf of Mexico, where it recently announced a new oil discovery.

• It’s embedded in Iraq, where it just landed a $25 billion deal.

• It’s exposed to Middle Eastern partnerships, with ADNOC previously sniffing around for a takeover.

And yet, Shell is still the most poetic — or tragic — choice for a BP merger. Two British-drenched oil majors, one plagued by scandal, the other by shareholder fury, coming together in an airport lounge to finalise their “transition to greater shareholder value.”

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📉 Reality Check: Oil Prices, Debt, and Distraction

Even as BP refocuses on oil, global prices are tanking. Brent crude recently plunged to the low $60s, just as BP’s net debt crept upward. That’s bad timing, and even worse optics.

The company’s “reset” was supposed to revive investor confidence. Instead, it got wiped out by tariffs, trade wars, and tanking prices.

And now Elliott’s breathing down its neck, pushing for a “strategic shake-up,” which might just mean breaking it up or selling it off — piece by oily piece.

“I wouldn’t take anything off the table,”

said Allen Good, director of equity research at Morningstar.

Well Allen, neither would Shell. Or Chevron. Or ADNOC. Or the ghost of apartheid profiteers past.

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🧠 Sober Reflection

For over 20 years, John Donovan has exposed Shell’s legacy of misconduct on RoyalDutchShellPlc.com. From espionage to corruption, from Nigeria to Namibia, it’s all there — and it’s undisputed.

The lawsuits? Zero.

The denials? Weak.

The evidence? Relentless.

Ask yourself:

If it wasn’t true, why hasn’t Shell sued?

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💀 Bottom Line?

A Shell–BP merger wouldn’t be a triumph of strategy. It would be a monument to moral bankruptcy.

It would combine Shell’s spies and scandals with BP’s catastrophic underperformance, slap on a logo refresh, and sell it as “future-ready.”

To their investors — BlackRock, Vanguard, State Street — it’s just another dividend stream.

To the rest of us?

It’s a disaster in disguise.

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