Shell’s Environmental Armageddon In Nigeria

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any more “WTF,” SOMO drops the bombshell that Shell plans to stick around like a bad smell, financially entangled with the new owners.

Posted by John Donovan: 4 March 2024

In the latest episode of “How to Escape Your Mess Like a Pro,” Shell has decided it’s time to pull the ultimate Houdini act in Nigeria. You won’t believe this, folks, but Shell is trying to vanish from Nigeria faster than you can say “environmental catastrophe,” leaving behind nothing but a cloud of smoke, polluted lands, and bewildered faces. The Centre for Research on Multinational Corporations (SOMO) isn’t amused and insists that Shell shouldn’t be allowed to pull off this disappearing act until they’ve cleaned up the monumental mess they’ve made.

So, here’s the tea: Shell wants to sell its problematic child, the Shell Petroleum Development Company (SPDC), to a local business consortium for the bargain price of 1.3 billion dollars. Why the fire sale, you ask? Well, Shell has been itching to get rid of SPDC like a bad rash, thanks to a series of court cases highlighting their environmental and human rights shenanigans in the Niger Delta.

SOMO claims Shell’s garage sale is nothing more than a crafty move to sidestep responsibility for turning vast swathes of the Niger Delta into a pollution piñata. According to these party poopers at SOMO, Shell’s departure party favours include polluted land, contaminated water, and the shattered lives and livelihoods of millions. On the other hand, Shell insists the mess wasn’t their fault, blaming oil theft and pipeline vandalism. Because, of course, blaming others is the oldest trick in the book.

But wait, there’s a plot twist! Shell isn’t just handing over the keys to anyone. They’re selling to a “complex labyrinth of companies and investors,” some of which apparently have the financial stability of a house of cards. SOMO is waving red flags, warning that some of these companies might just poof into thin air, leaving the local communities unable to pin anyone down for the environmental Armageddon left behind.

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any more “WTF,” SOMO drops the bombshell that Shell plans to stick around like a bad smell, financially entangled with the new owners. They’re lending money to these companies and will be buying the oil they produce. It’s like breaking up but still checking your ex’s Instagram daily.

Audrey Gaughran from SOMO called it the “ultimate Houdini act,” with Shell selling off their toxic treasures and then casually strolling away as the curtain falls on their environmental horror show.

Shell, in a response that’s as reassuring as a hug from a cactus, said that local companies are crucial for helping Nigeria achieve its energy goals. They reassured everyone that all transactions would be above board, pending regulatory approval, which is based on “legally required information” provided by the parties involved. Because, as we all know, legal requirements are Shell’s favourite bedtime reading.

So, there you have it, folks: Shell’s latest magic trick, where they attempt to make their accountability disappear without a trace. And for their next trick, they might just try to make us forget this ever happened. Abracadabra, indeed.

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