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Shell’s CEO Discovers a Magical New Path to Net Zero Emissions, Shares Soar!

As always, Shell is cordially invited to point out any factual inaccuracies, although we suspect they’re too busy counting their rising profits to bother.

Posted by John Donovan: 17 October 2023

Oh, what a delightful twist in the ever-entertaining saga of Shell’s environmental pursuits! Shell Plc’s CEO, Wael Sawan, has emerged as a visionary leader, unveiling a groundbreaking new approach to achieving net zero emissions. Never mind that the company’s shares are soaring to levels unseen in five years – we have a new pathway to salvation!

Sawan, the brilliant mastermind, clarified the situation with utmost confidence, saying, “For avoidance of doubt, what hasn’t changed is the destination that we have set for ourselves. What has changed is the pathway we’re going to get there.” It’s almost poetic, isn’t it? The destination remains unchanged, but the journey, oh, the journey is now filled with unprecedented twists and turns.

Under Sawan’s benevolent rule since the beginning of the year, Shell has decided to put even more eggs in its core oil and gas basket. It’s all part of an ingenious plan to woo investors with a “ruthless” focus on performance and better returns. Who needs renewables when you can have black gold, right?

And the investors, those pillars of wisdom, seem utterly thrilled with this cunning strategy shift. Sawan triumphantly announced, “They ‘like the direction we are taking, they like the balance.'” Who wouldn’t appreciate a strategy that emphasizes fossil fuels over cleaner alternatives?

Of course, let’s not forget Sawan’s predecessor, Ben van Beurden, who’s probably somewhere in the audience, wondering why he didn’t come up with this brilliant plan. Under his leadership, Shell had this annoying habit of selling off low-carbon assets and questioning the future of renewables. How passé!

But Sawan’s audacity knows no bounds. He even had to address his own employees, those pesky individuals with concerns about the environment. “We’ve had to make some tough choices,” he sighed dramatically. Some employees dared to suggest that maybe Shell should move faster towards clean energy. The nerve!

Oh, and about those carbon offsets, those pesky little things that used to be on Shell’s to-do list? Sawan revealed, “Both numbers we have retired.” Who needs carbon offsets when you can have nature-based solutions that are convenient and lucrative for Shell?

And to add a cherry on top of this climate-friendly cake, Shell’s shares are soaring to new heights thanks to surging oil prices. The war in Gaza and Israel, such a delightful catalyst for financial success!

So, there you have it, folks. Shell’s CEO has unveiled a remarkable new strategy that ensures we’ll all reach net zero emissions in the most roundabout way possible. 

As always, Shell is cordially invited to point out any factual inaccuracies, although we suspect they’re too busy counting their rising profits to bother.


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