Shell Throws a Billion-Dollar Bash as the Planet Heats Up, While Greenpeace Crashes the Party

Greenpeace photo…

Posted by John Donovan: 3 Feb 24

In an epic saga that could only be described as “The Great Gatsby” meets “Mad Max,” Shell, the notorious climate party pooper, has once again danced its way into the headlines.

This time, the British behemoth announced a whopping £22.4 billion in annual profits, all while Greenpeace activists, dressed in their finest mock-Shell board member attire, threw a rager outside Shell HQ, complete with a burning sign aptly named ‘Your Future.’

Yes, dear reader, as the world simmered under record global temperatures, Shell was busy counting its coins, proving once again that while Rome burns, the emperors are having a blast. The eco-warriors, not ones to miss a beat, decided if you can’t beat them, throw a better party. So, they necked champagne, fanned wads of cash, and danced the conga around the blazing truth that Shell seems all too eager to ignore.

Maja Darlington, a valiant campaigner from Greenpeace UK, couldn’t help but point out the irony. “Fires are raging across Colombia, Britain has been wracked by floods, 2023 smashed global temperature records, but Shell is posting yet more obscene profits from climate-wrecking fossil fuels,” she lamented. Darlington’s call to action was clear: It’s high time to crash Shell’s fossil fuel fiesta, especially when the average British worker would need over 640,000 years to match Shell’s annual earnings. Talk about a pay gap!

The stage for this tragicomedy was set against a backdrop of natural disasters, with Colombia battling wildfires and the UK facing its worst floods in decades. Meanwhile, Shell’s CEO Wael Sawan was probably humming “Money, Money, Money” by ABBA as he gleefully announced payouts of at least $23 billion to shareholders, a figure that dwarfs the company’s green spending faster than you can say “climate catastrophe.”

But wait, there’s more drama. Shell, feeling a tad litigious, decided to sue Greenpeace for daring to protest against its planet-baking activities. The oil giant is demanding around $1 million in damages and legal costs that could balloon faster than CO2 levels, marking one of the biggest legal threats against Greenpeace in its storied history.

As Shell’s profits took a nearly 30% dive amid falling oil and gas prices, Sawan, the newly crowned king of fossil fuels, doubled down on drilling, effectively tossing Shell’s green strategy into the bin. The company’s gas trading division, however, emerged as the MVP, raking in $14 billion for the year.

Sawan, in a dazzling display of corporate spin, attempted to soothe the masses by highlighting Shell’s emission cuts and investments in “low carbon” energy projects. Yet, Shell’s renewables division stumbled across the finish line, proving that green investments are more of an afterthought than a priority.

Amidst this circus, Shell plans to shower its shareholders with more riches, raising dividends and embarking on a $3.5 billion share buyback program. As Shell’s stock ticked up, environmental and anti-poverty campaigners could only shake their heads in disbelief at the sheer scale of Shell’s profits, extracted from the pockets of the very people struggling to heat their homes.

As the oil and gas juggernauts gear up to report their earnings, Shell has set the stage for a season of extravagant profit announcements, all while the planet inches closer to a climate precipice. The demand for oil and gas continues to climb, leaving us to wonder: when will the music stop for Shell’s never-ending profit party?