Shell demanding its slice of the green profit pie

Posted by John Donovan 19 May 2023

Shell’s commitment to greed and token environmentalism is truly awe-inspiring demanding its slice of the green profit pie

Wow, brace yourselves, folks! The altruistic geniuses at Shell have decided that it’s not enough to spew toxic pollutants and devastate the environment for decades. No, no, they want to make a profit from green energy too! How noble of them!

According to sources, Shell executives gathered in a town hall meeting to enlighten their renewable power team with this groundbreaking revelation. They have realized that simply pretending to care about carbon emissions and dabbling in clean energy isn’t cutting it anymore. They want results! I mean, who needs clean air and a habitable planet when you can have more money lining your pockets, right?

Steve Hill, the executive vice president of Shell Energy, boldly declared that “delivery will be the mandate of the organization going forward.” Yes, forget about saving the Earth; it’s all about meeting targets and boosting the bottom line. Hill even had the audacity to suggest scaling back or stopping initiatives that haven’t been as successful. Because, you know, if something doesn’t make money right away, it’s clearly not worth pursuing. Way to prioritize short-term profits over the future of our planet, Shell!

Naturally, Shell declined to comment when asked for their thoughts on this brilliant strategy. Who needs transparency when you can just keep your intentions hidden, right? It’s not like they owe anyone an explanation for their insatiable greed and disregard for the environment.

But wait, there’s more! Shell has already begun implementing this stellar plan by reviewing and selling off its European retail energy business and dumping its investments in Australian solar power. They’re even looking to sell a French floating turbine unit because, hey, why bother with offshore wind when there’s quick cash to be made elsewhere?

Under their new CEO, Wael Sawan, Shell’s investment in renewable energy has reached new heights. Well, not really. It turns out that after making a big fuss about going green, their investment in renewables will remain stagnant in 2023. I guess they figured they’ve done enough to save the world already. A whole 3.8% reduction in carbon intensity? Bravo, Shell! Give yourself a pat on the back for that massive achievement.

Of course, some naysayers are concerned about Shell’s newfound obsession with profits. Shu Ling Liauw, from Accela Research, warned that the company might be sacrificing long-term low-carbon options just to please shareholders. But who cares about the future when you can focus on short-term gains, right?

And let’s not forget the power business. It has played such a vital role in Shell’s empty claims of decarbonization. But now, oh now, they want it to be profitable too! Because why do something out of the goodness of your heart when there’s money to be made? The power unit needs to operate commercially, just like any other money-hungry division of the company.

Surprise, surprise, Shell’s renewable and energy solutions division has been a drain on their precious cash flow. While other areas of their business rake in billions, this so-called green division has managed to lose billions. But fear not, dear investors, they have a cunning plan to boost returns: divest stakes in projects and integrate their power generation business with the trading arm. It’s like a match made in heaven, where profit trumps everything else.

So, there you have it, folks. Shell, the paragon of virtue, is demanding its slice of the green profit pie. Who needs a sustainable future when you can have more money? Shell’s commitment to greed and token environmentalism is truly awe-inspiring. Let’s all raise a glass to their unwavering dedication to their shareholders’ pockets, even if it means trashing the planet in the process! Bravo, Shell, bravo!

Shell management has a track record of putting profits first, before any other consideration, including the health and safety of its own employees. In other words, money before ethics. This is after all the company that financially supported Hitler and the Nazis. Google “Shell Nazi History”.

Shell is invited to point out for correction any factual inaccuracies and supply closing comments for publication as part of this article on an unedited basis.

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