Posted by John Donovan: 20 October 2023
In the latest display of corporate generosity, Shell’s brand-new CEO Wael Sawan is ensuring that hundreds of IT contractors get the chance to experience the world outside of Shell’s illustrious doors. Why? Because nothing screams ‘performance, discipline, and simplification’ like letting a large portion of your workforce go! This strategic move is especially interesting considering permanent staff already find themselves in the minority within some IT teams. Efficiency or a fun game of musical chairs? You decide.
Oh, and let’s not forget the cherry on top: the exciting cutback on work social events! Contractors are especially fortunate, getting exclusive “non-invites” to several events. Now only permanent staff are privy to these gatherings. Because nothing builds morale like dividing the workforce, right? As an anonymous IT worker so poignantly shared, “The morale inside the IT teams feels low right now.” Shocking.
Mr. Sawan, in his infinite wisdom, has aspirations that soar beyond just personnel changes. Since stepping into his grand role earlier this year, he’s set his eyes on the ultimate prize: aggressively targeting profitability and bigger dividends for shareholders. And how could we forget the grand reveal at a capital markets day in New York? Plans for a hefty $40 billion investment into oil and gas, alongside a modest reduction in operating costs of up to $3 billion by 2025. As Sawan so insightfully points out, it’s utterly “critical” that we don’t transition too hastily to clean energy. After all, who doesn’t love the comforting familiarity of oil and gas?
Even more heartwarming is Shell’s decision to ditch previous plans to cut oil production each year for the rest of the decade. Why target production when you can simply focus on “value-based decisions”? It’s all about the journey, not the destination, right? Unless, of course, that destination is a net-zero emissions energy system, which Shell promises is clear. Though, understandably, the path there might be as straight as spaghetti.
Dear Shell, if we got anything wrong here, feel free to correct us. And remember: satire and sarcasm are renewable resources.
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