Shell’s Profit Bonanza: Because Who Needs a Planet Anyway?

Posted by John Donovan: 2 May 2024

In a jaw-dropping display of corporate gluttony, Shell has proudly announced a first-quarter profit of $7.7 billion, leaving investors rubbing their hands in glee and environmentalists shaking their heads in disbelief.

But fear not, dear shareholders, for Shell has graciously decided to share the wealth by repurchasing a further $3.5 billion of its own shares over the next three months. Because nothing says “responsible corporate citizen” like lining your own pockets while the planet burns, right?

CEO Wael Sawan couldn’t contain his excitement, declaring it “another quarter of strong operational and financial performance.” Ah, yes, because who cares about the climate crisis when there are profits to be made?

And let’s not forget the ingenious strategies behind Shell’s profit surge. By timing refinery maintenance just right and capitalizing on disruptions in the Red Sea and Russia, they’ve managed to rake in the cash while their competitors flounder. Because who needs integrity when you’ve got oil to sell?

But wait, there’s more! Despite weakening their carbon reduction targets and scrapping objectives left and right, Shell remains committed to cutting emissions to net zero by 2050. Because apparently, you can offset decades of environmental destruction with a few token gestures, right?

Shareholders will have the opportunity to vote on Shell’s climate targets later this month, though one can only imagine the outcome. After all, who would dare to question the almighty profit machine?

Meanwhile, as gas prices plummet and the planet continues to suffer, Shell’s cashflow rises and their shareholders rejoice. Because in the twisted world of fossil fuel giants, money talks louder than the cries of a dying planet.

So here’s to Shell, the shining beacon of corporate greed and environmental destruction. 

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