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Shell’s Misfortune: Profit Plummet as Oil Prices Dip

Posted by JOHN DONOVAN: July 23, 2023

Oh dear, oh dear! What a dreadful turn of events for poor, poor Shell! Brace yourselves for the heart-wrenching news, folks. The ruthless, money-hungry oil giant, Shell, is facing a tragic fate – its profits are about to HALVE! Yes, you heard that right! This pitiful predicament comes as a result of a “slump” in oil and gas prices.

How unfortunate for the poor souls at Shell, who are used to swimming in their overflowing cash reserves. But fret not! Even amidst this so-called “crisis,” Shell still finds ways to soothe its aching shareholders and is expected to raise its dividend and offer share buybacks. Because who needs financial stability when you can temporarily placate your investors?

In 2022, Shell bathed in the glory of record-breaking profits, boasting a staggering £9 billion for the second quarter. But alas, 2023 has brought a cruel twist of fate, with analysts predicting a measly £4.7 billion profit for the same period this year. Poor Shell, how will it ever survive?

Last year, as if mocking the mighty Shell, oil and gas prices soared to unimaginable heights after Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. Oh, the irony! The global benchmark, Brent crude oil, played its part in Shell’s sorrowful tale, reaching a jaw-dropping average of $112 a barrel between April and June 2022.

But then, in a twist of fate, this year’s oil prices decided to give Shell a taste of humility. The highest they reached was a mere $86 in April, and by June, they had the audacity to average just $75. How humiliating for Shell to endure such meager profits!

Worry not, dear readers, for Shell has a cunning plan to keep its shareholders mildly content. After cutting dividends by two-thirds during the pandemic (how rude of the pandemic to affect Shell!), the company now promises to raise them again. Isn’t that just heartwarming? Who needs stable financial planning when you can toss a bone to your investors every now and then?

And oh, let’s not forget the miraculous share buybacks! Shell, the savior of shareholders, has found a way to temporarily boost its stock prices by buying back its own shares. Truly, a masterclass in financial wizardry!

In the face of this almost-apocalyptic financial “crisis,” Shell will bravely report its results on Thursday. Hold your breath as they unveil their tale of woe, and rest assured, the world will weep for their tragic loss (well, maybe not).

Right of Reply: Shell is invited to point out any factual inaccuracies and provide closing comments for publication in this article on an unedited basis.

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