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Shell’s High Seas High Jinks: Suing the Little Greenpeace Boats for Big Green Bucks

Posted by John Donovan: 9 November 2023

In a dazzling display of corporate might meets environmental kite-flying, Shell, the ever-so-benevolent oil monarch, has unsheathed its legal swords against the high-speed rubber ducks of the sea—Greenpeace. With a modest ask of £1.7 million in damages, Shell is practically passing around the charity hat, seeking just compensation for the audacious act of activists boarding its noble vessel, the White Marlin.

As Shell puts it, with the gravity of a Shakespearean aside, they must recover “the significant costs of responding to Greenpeace’s dangerous actions.” Yes, dear reader, let’s ponder the danger of these eco-warriors and their inflatable boats against the backdrop of an oil platform, as threatening as a feather to a tank.

And Greenpeace? They’re shaking in their boots, facing “one of the biggest legal threats” in their quixotic quest against fossil fuels. How dare they rope themselves onto a moving sea behemoth for a 13-day cruise to Norway, right?

But lo! Shell, in its infinite kindness, has offered a discount on damages if Greenpeace promises to never again protest at any of Shell’s aquatic castles. The price of silence? A mere $1.4 million. It’s like Black Friday for legal settlements!

And let’s not overlook the theatrical turn from Shell’s CEO Wael Sawan, who, in a bold strategic pivot, has ditched the green illusion for a fossil-fueled future, because, as we all know, oil is as timeless as vinyl records and rotary phones.

Meanwhile, Shell’s profits are spilling over like a geyser, hitting record $40 billion. It’s so much money, one might think they could afford to drop a lawsuit or two, but where’s the fun in that?

As for the Penguins field, it’s not just a haven for marine birds but a gold mine for Shell, promising to pump out 45,000 barrels a day. Who needs penguins when you’ve got profits?

Greenpeace, ever the party pooper, instead calls for Shell to pay into a climate loss and damage fund, because apparently, the climate is breaking down or something.

In a plot twist that would make Dickens blush, Shell initially dangled a $120,000 damage claim, only to inflate it to a whopping $8 million before settling on the current figure. The audacity!

Greenpeace, in a David versus Goliath moment, has countered with a simple request: obey a Dutch court order to cut emissions by 45% by 2030. Shell, however, seems to think it’s more of a guideline than a rule.

As the legal tides rise, Greenpeace is rallying its grassroots fleet for an emergency fund, ready to battle the Shell behemoth in court. So grab your popcorn, folks—it’s about to get litigious!

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