Shell’s ‘obscene’ $5bn profits

While Europe swelters in record-breaking heat, Shell stays cool as a cucumber and defiantly plans to increase oil and gas production. It’s heartwarming to witness such dedication to contributing to the climate crisis while lining their own pockets. Truly, a match made in heaven.

Posted by John Donovan: July 27, 2023

In a stunning display of corporate restraint, British oil giant Shell reported a mere $5.1 billion in profits for the second quarter, triggering waves of gratitude and appreciation from climate activists across the globe. The figures came as a pleasant surprise, as analysts had anticipated an even higher windfall of $6 billion. Oh, Shell, you’ve truly outdone yourself!

Environmental campaigners, whose hearts are bursting with joy, condemned the profit figures as “obscene.” They simply can’t contain their delight as they watch Shell prioritize its shareholders’ happiness over the health of our planet. How thoughtful! And let’s not forget the beautiful billboard lovingly erected by Greenpeace activists outside Shell’s London headquarters, with the message “Our profit, your loss.” Such a touching sentiment!

While Europe swelters in record-breaking heat, Shell stays cool as a cucumber and defiantly plans to increase oil and gas production. It’s heartwarming to witness such dedication to contributing to the climate crisis while lining their own pockets. Truly, a match made in heaven.

And isn’t it impressive how Shell manages to blame falling oil and gas prices for their profit slump? Bravo! Clearly, their concern for their bottom line knows no bounds. The fact that their trading arm was less profitable shows their unwavering commitment to balancing greed with just a touch of self-restraint.

But don’t worry, dear shareholders, Shell’s got your back! Despite the “weaker” second-quarter profits, they still have some loose change lying around to spend $3 billion on share buybacks. That’s right, forget investing in a sustainable future; let’s prioritize short-term shareholder gratification!

Meanwhile, Shell’s investment in oil and gas projects is predicted to rise significantly. Who needs renewables when you can have fossil fuels, right? The Centre for Economic Justice rightfully applauds Shell for proving that profits and shareholders matter more than our fragile planet.

Let’s not forget the Shadow climate secretary’s plea for a “more stringent windfall tax.” Oh, the audacity! How dare anyone suggest that a company like Shell should pay its fair share for contributing to the climate emergency and the cost-of-living crisis?

As Shell reduces its capital expenditure range, we can’t help but marvel at its strategic brilliance in making “good progress” toward becoming a net-zero business by 2050. Actions truly speak louder than words, don’t they?

And who can ignore Shell’s heartfelt statement about prioritizing share buybacks? It warms our hearts to see how they truly care about rewarding shareholders, even as the world faces unprecedented climate challenges.

So, let’s raise our glasses to Shell, the shining beacon of corporate responsibility! Their “modest” profits and unwavering commitment to the fossil fuel industry will undoubtedly go down in history as a heartwarming tale of corporate virtue and environmental stewardship. Bravo, Shell! Bravo!

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