Shell’s Former Big Cheese Bags £95m

In an astounding turn of events that shocked no one, Shell’s ex-bigwig, Ben van Beurden (left), managed to stuff his pockets with an extra £8.9 million last year, elevating his total take from the oil giant to a modest £95 million. Who said being an eco-villain doesn’t pay well?

In a spectacle of financial gymnastics that would make even Scrooge McDuck blush, a hefty long-term bonus and a golden parachute (sorry, “severance award”) ensured that van Beurden out-earned his successor, Wael Sawan, who had to scrape by on a mere £7.9 million. One can only imagine the penny-pinching at the Sawan household.

Before passing the torch (or should we say oil lamp?) to Sawan, van Beurden amassed a fortune of £86 million, proving that oil really does grease the wheels of personal fortune. Not content with just riding off into the sunset, van Beurden stuck around as an “adviser” for six months, during which he pocketed a £5.1 million long-term bonus and a £1.4 million consolation prize for “loss of office.” Because, clearly, losing an office that pays you in millions is a loss worth compensating.

Meanwhile, Sawan, the new captain of this Titanic, bagged £7.9 million for his inaugural year as Shell celebrated profits of £22 billion for 2023. Sure, it’s 30% lower than the previous year, but why quibble over billions when you’re still posting the second-highest profits in 116 years of Shell’s illustrious history of environmental love letters?

Let’s all take a moment to marvel at the corporate largesse that allows such fortunes to be amassed while the planet gently weeps. It’s heartwarming, really, to see that in a world of uncertainty, some things—like the unwavering profits of oil magnates—remain as reliable as climate change itself.

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