Shell and BP’s Toxic Love Story: When Greed Meets Greed in the Ultimate Oil Merger Fantasy

Posted by John Donovan: 1 Feb 2025

In the latest corporate soap opera no one asked for, rumours are swirling that Shell—the globe-trotting champion of pollution and climate chaos—might finally shack up with its equally oily cousin, BP. Apparently, Ed Miliband’s “reckless net zero crusade” (read: trying to save the planet) is just too much for these fossil fuel dinosaurs, and they might just hold hands and ride off into the sunset together, leaving a trail of CO₂ and shareholder dividends in their wake.

Because when you can’t squeeze profits out of one dying oil field, why not just merge with another company equally committed to profiting from planetary destruction? Makes sense, right? Especially when your biggest investors—BlackRock, Vanguard, and State Street—are practically begging you to keep those dirty dollars flowing.

Miliband: The Big Bad Wolf of Big Oil’s Fairytale

According to the corporate sob story, Miliband’s climate policies are apparently so terrifying that they might force BP into the greasy arms of Shell. Britain’s biggest offshore oil projects, Rosebank and Jackdaw, were just slapped with restrictions thanks to a Scottish judge daring to suggest that maybe we shouldn’t torch the planet for profit. Shell has already sunk £800 million into Jackdaw, while Equinor threw £2 billion at Rosebank. But now, they have to pause and think about those pesky emissions. How dare they!

Shell and Equinor can still tinker around on these sites, but they can’t extract anything without Miliband’s green light. And given his horrifying tendency to prioritize the environment over Shell’s profit margins, the oil barons are shaking in their boots.

BP’s Identity Crisis: To Pollute or Not to Pollute?

Meanwhile, BP is having a full-on corporate meltdown. After the spectacular flameout of former CEO Bernard Looney, who made some half-hearted promises about green energy before the company backpedalled faster than a politician caught in a lie, BP is now stuck in strategic limbo. Its share price is tanking, which is only slightly better than during Deepwater Horizon (remember that little disaster?). Wall Street analyst Paul Sankey even suggested firing the entire BP board. And honestly, who could argue with that?

Shell: The Sin Stock That Just Won’t Quit

While BP flounders, Shell is doing what it does best—making money off environmental destruction. But even Shell, the undisputed king of corporate greed, isn’t hitting the jackpot like its American cousins. Over the past five years, Shell’s share price has risen 33%, which sounds impressive until you realize that US oil giants are raking in 45-75% gains. Clearly, America’s “drill, baby, drill” policies are doing wonders for Big Oil, while the UK’s feeble attempts at climate policy are cramping Shell’s style.

No wonder Shell is flirting with the idea of ditching its London stock listing for New York. Because if there’s one thing Shell loves more than oil, it’s a regulatory environment that lets them pollute with impunity.

A Match Made in Climate Hell

So, what’s the solution to all this corporate angst? According to the rumour mill, BP should just merge with Shell and create the ultimate climate-destroying super-corporation. Think of it: two of the UK’s biggest fossil fuel offenders, joining forces to squeeze every last drop of profit out of a dying industry. It’s the stuff of shareholder dreams and environmental nightmares.

And don’t worry about the UK government—they’re too busy selling off national assets to the highest bidder to care. But even for a country that loves flogging its crown jewels, watching BP get snapped up in a hostile American takeover might be a step too far. Better to keep it in the family with a good old-fashioned Anglo-Dutch affair.

The Bottom Line: When in Doubt, Merge and Pollute

As the world stumbles towards a climate crisis of biblical proportions, Shell and BP are busy figuring out how to squeeze a few more billion out of the planet’s dwindling resources. Because when it comes to Big Oil, the only thing that matters is the bottom line—and if that means merging two of the world’s most notorious polluters into one, so be it.

After all, why let something as trivial as a burning planet get in the way of a good merger?

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