Shell to Britain: “Give Us BP or We’re Moving to Wall Street”

Nothing screams patriotic corporate loyalty like threatening to ditch your home country for better tax breaks and oil-soaked handshakes in Trump’s America.

Shell — global climate villain and gold medalist in greenwashing — is once again proving that when you’re Europe’s biggest oil giant, the only thing more bloated than your balance sheet is your ego.

The company is now considering (read: publicly dangling) the idea of delisting from the London Stock Exchange and fleeing to the New York Stock Exchange, where oil executives are still treated like gods instead of environmental pariahs.

Shell CEO Wael Sawan, whose idea of energy transition is “less wind, more gas,” is apparently sick and tired of those pesky British investors not worshipping Shell’s “financial performance” — i.e. record profits extracted from the overheating planet.

“We are grossly undervalued in London,” Sawan moaned to Bloomberg, citing shareholder apathy and — clutch your pearls — “over-taxation” of Shell’s multibillion-dollar earnings.

Of course, the real motivation? Closing the so-called “valuation gap” with ExxonMobil and Chevron, America’s reigning kings of oil gluttony. And hey, with Donald Trump back in office and promising to deregulate everything but gravity, what better time for Shell to pack its bags?

The British Government: Desperate to Keep Its Dirty Crown Jewels

Meanwhile, back in Westminster, officials are reportedly begging Shell to stay — not because they care about jobs or the economy, but because they’re terrified of losing control over their other fossil fuel Frankenstein: BP.

Rumour has it BP — after botching its attempt to pretend it cared about clean energy — might be up for grabs. Its stock has floundered under CEO Murray Auchincloss, who recently hit the reset button and recommitted to fossil fuels. Brave. Visionary. Or just another Tuesday in Big Oil.

U.S. activist investor Elliott Management (think: hedge fund with a chainsaw) has now acquired a 5% stake in BP and is gleefully applying pressure for cost cuts, leadership changes, and perhaps even a merger.

And who better to snap up BP than Shell — a company with more than double BP’s market cap ($218B vs. $92B) and a track record of steamrolling ethics for profit?

The Real Prize: BP’s Trading Desk (aka Vegas for Oil Barons)

Let’s be honest: the real jewel in BP’s oily crown isn’t its crumbling ESG facade — it’s its elite oil trading operation. This isn’t just a trading desk; it’s a 3,000-person war machine designed to profit off energy volatility like a hedge fund on steroids.

Remember when oil crashed in 2016? Then-CEO Bob Dudley bet big on a rebound, and guess what? He was right. BP made a lot of money, according to a former executive quoted by Bloomberg. That kind of instinct doesn’t come from models — it comes from knowing exactly how to game a chaotic, fossil-fueled market.

Shell, ever the student of profitable mischief, has been trying to beef up its own trading division. And what better way to do that than buy the best in the business?

Iraq, Oil Diplomacy, and Soft Power Delusions

Oh, and don’t forget the geopolitical cherry on top: BP is currently cosying up with Iraq to help develop the massive Kirkuk oil fields — a nice little arrangement that hands Britain yet another lever of influence in the Middle East. Naturally, UK officials don’t want BP to end up in the hands of “foreign” rivals — which is rich, considering Shell itself is barely British anymore.

Let’s recap:

•Shell moved its HQ from The Hague to London in 2022, dropped the “Royal Dutch” title, and made a big patriotic fuss.

•Two years later, it’s now threatening to dump London for Wall Street because — and we quote — taxes and insufficient adoration.

Investors: Happy to Fund the Fire

Shell’s biggest backers — including climate-conscious titans like BlackRock and Vanguard — continue to cheer from the sidelines, rewarding every strategic backflip that accelerates global warming with fat dividends and golf claps at Davos.

These investors want “clarity” and “returns,” not sustainability or responsibility. If Shell buys BP and morphs into a mega-polluting, hyper-profitable fossil juggernaut with a flagship trading casino — well, that’s just good business.

The Bottom Line

Shell doesn’t want to transition. It wants to dominate. And if that means absorbing BP, ditching Britain, and kissing Wall Street’s oily ring — so be it.

So here we are, watching the British oil sector dangle by a pipeline while Shell, the ultimate sin stock, shops for its next acquisition like a Bond villain at Harrods.

If you’re waiting for Shell to have an environmental awakening, don’t hold your breath. Unless, of course, you live near one of their refineries — in which case, you probably don’t have a choice.

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