Shell to Ditch Chemicals, Polish Profits — Because Who Needs Plastics When You Can Just Sell Pollution Directly?

As Exxon and Chevron cash in, Shell flails, flips assets, and prays Wall Street will finally love it.

In its never-ending quest to appear as valuable as ExxonMobil and Chevron — two American oil giants who at least own their villainy — Shell has announced that it might sell off the most awkward, least profitable bits of its chemicals business. What better way to prove you’re serious about climate not change than unloading your plastics division to fund more oil and gas?

On Tuesday, Shell confirmed it’s “exploring strategic and partnership opportunities” for parts of its chemicals operations in the U.S., including the much-hyped Pennsylvania ethylene cracker plant — a monument to fossil-fueled manufacturing so planet-wrecking it makes a coal mine look like a herb garden.

The move, first leaked via the Wall Street Journal, is part of a wider campaign of “shareholder-friendly measures” — the corporate euphemism for do whatever it takes to keep BlackRock, Vanguard, and other ESG-masquerading money machines happy.

Apparently, it’s all about “boosting margins” and shuttering underperforming European sites — translation: slash, burn, and cash out anything that doesn’t look like a quarterly earnings bump.

All Hail the Share Price

Shell, bless its oil-slicked heart, is still obsessing over its so-called “valuation gap” with U.S. rivals. CEO Wael Sawan — fresh off collecting his £8.6 million pay packet for a year of declining profits — is desperate to juice the stock price so that the world’s biggest greenwasher can finally sit at the cool kids’ table on Wall Street.

Because nothing screams “strategic clarity” like lopping off bits of your own business to flatter your reflection in the mirror of investor sentiment.

Chemicals? Meh. Let Someone Else Deal with That Mess

Of course, Shell’s chemical operations have always been a sticky subject. Ethylene crackers — like the Pennsylvania facility potentially on the chopping block — are massive, energy-hungry, plastic-belching monsters. But instead of cleaning them up, Shell would rather find a “partner” (read: sucker) to take the mess off its hands.

Meanwhile, Shell will focus on what it really loves: digging up hydrocarbons, burning them, and making sure shareholders get their dividends while sea levels do the same.

The Bigger Picture: Oil Is King, Everything Else Is Optional

Let’s not pretend this is about efficiency. This is about a company that’s doubling down on fossil fuels, trimming anything that looks remotely like diversification, and handing out financial treats to keep investors from asking pesky questions about carbon, climate targets, or the gaping moral void where corporate responsibility should be.

Shell’s real strategy isn’t complicated:

•Step 1: Cut anything that drags on quarterly profits

•Step 2: Whisper “net zero” just loud enough to keep the ESG funds on board

•Step 3: Funnel cash to shareholders

•Step 4: Repeat, while the planet cooks

The Bottom Line

Shell is treating its chemicals division like an awkward Tinder date: nice to have once, but no longer fitting the vibe. And rather than improve the business, it’s tossing it overboard to stay light and lean for its next big fossil-fueled sprint.

And its investors? They’ll cheer. Because when you’re the ultimate sin stock, success isn’t measured in sustainability — it’s measured in dividends, buybacks, and creative ways to rearrange deck chairs on the Titanic.

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