Shell’s Shaky Business: Now Predicting Its Own Earthquakes!

Ah, Shell—forever innovating new ways to ruin lives, one gas field at a time. The latest breakthrough? Science has now made it easier to predict the earthquakes caused by Shell and its fossil-fuel-loving friends in the Groningen region. That’s right—thanks to decades of unchecked greed and relentless gas extraction, we can now forecast when and where the next disaster will strike. What a win for modern research!

This delightful revelation comes courtesy of researcher Zhuldyzay Baki, who has found a way to analyze the seismic mess Shell and its drilling partners have inflicted upon the Netherlands. Her work at the University of Twente combines statistical models with geological insights to track the correlation between underground pressure drops (caused by, you guessed it, gas extraction) and earthquake intensity. Turns out, the areas where Shell has sucked the most gas out of the earth are the same ones where people’s homes are cracking apart. Who could have possibly predicted that? Oh wait, literally everyone who warned about this for years.

Since the 1960s, the Groningen gas field has been an ATM for Shell, ExxonMobil (because of course they’re involved), and their loyal investors—hello, BlackRock and Vanguard! But after decades of happily raking in profits, reality has come knocking: the ground is shaking, the houses are crumbling, and the public is furious. Turns out, when you hollow out the earth beneath people’s feet, bad things happen. Who knew?

One of the most impressive aspects of Baki’s study is how it highlights the undeniable connection between gas extraction and earthquakes. Who would have thought that draining an underground gas reservoir would, you know, cause instability? It’s almost like basic physics applies to Shell’s operations too. The research confirms that as pressure drops, seismic activity spikes—because, shocker, the earth doesn’t appreciate being exploited for corporate profit.

This research is part of the DeepNL programme, a long-term initiative backed by the Dutch Research Council (NWO) to study the damage caused by human activity underground. Of course, some of the funding comes from the Nederlandse Aardolie Maatschappij (NAM), a lovely little Shell-Exxon joint venture responsible for much of Groningen’s misery. But don’t worry, we’re assured that NAM has zero influence over the research. Because when has an oil and gas company ever meddled with scientific findings to suit its agenda? (Hint: see ‘climate change denial’ for details.)

Meanwhile, Shell’s boardrooms are likely buzzing with excitement over this latest development. After all, with predictive earthquake models, they can now plan their next drilling projects with even greater precision! Perhaps the execs over at BlackRock, one of Shell’s biggest investors, can use this data to forecast the exact moment when public outrage will finally force them to divest from Shell’s destruction machine. (Don’t hold your breath.)

So, while Shell continues to cash in, Groningen’s residents are left with a landscape that’s literally falling apart. But hey, at least we can now predict when their homes will collapse. Science marches on!

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