WTF Is Shell Whining About Now? Australia Dares Suggest Gas Should Help Australians—Cue Oil Giant Meltdown

Enter Irina Woodhead, a former Shell technical safety engineer who had the audacity to suggest that maybe—just maybe—ignoring safety protocols on a floating gas bomb was a bad idea. She raised concerns about Prelude’s emergency protocols, only to be shown the door faster than you can say “whistleblower retaliation.

Ah, Shell. The oil-stained poster child of unhinged corporate greed, environmental catastrophe, and staggering audacity. Alongside its equally charming BFFs ExxonMobil and Chevron, Shell is now losing its ever-loving mind over a radical, totally outlandish proposal: that some of the gas they’re hoarding and shipping offshore might actually be used to keep Australians warm and the lights on.

You know, in Australia. Where the gas comes from.

But don’t worry, Shell’s top brass is here to explain why that’s a very bad idea—for them, obviously.

“Export Controls Are Not the Solution”—Shell, Still Not a Social Enterprise

Cecile Wake, Chair of Shell Australia and part-time gas-splaining machine, took the stage at a Sydney conference to wag her diamond-encrusted finger at the Australian public and government. Her jaw-dropping insight?

“The fact that the easiest lever the federal government now has to solve the southern gas problem is export controls, is not a reason to pull that lever harder.”

Yes, Cecile. Because when a house is on fire, the last thing you’d want to do is use the hose.

She continued:

“This does not increase supply; it simply redistributes it and when coupled with price caps and other market interventions, it can impede investment and exacerbate the challenge.”

Translation: “If you make us sell gas locally at a fair price, our profits might not hit record highs. That’s simply unacceptable.”

You see, Shell isn’t opposed to helping the public. It’s just that there’s an unfortunate side effect: they might earn slightly less than $28 billion in quarterly profits. The horror.

Prelude to a Disaster: Shell’s Floating Hellscape

Let’s talk about Prelude, Shell’s floating liquefied natural gas (FLNG) facility—a marvel of modern engineering that also happens to be a fire-prone, blackout-prone, constantly shut-down death trap off the coast of Western Australia.

Prelude has been plagued with safety issues since it launched. Not just minor hiccups—we’re talking emergency shutdowns, fires, and repeated regulator interventions. The entire facility had to be shut down multiple times, including a major incident in December 2021 where a fire knocked out power, communications, and life support systems—on a gas plant in the middle of the ocean. You’d think that would be a red flag, but Shell calls it “business as usual.”

Enter Irina Woodhead, a former Shell technical safety engineer who had the audacity to suggest that maybe—just maybe—ignoring safety protocols on a floating gas bomb was a bad idea. She raised concerns about Prelude’s emergency protocols, only to be shown the door faster than you can say “whistleblower retaliation.”

Is this the outfit we should trust to lecture Australia on energy security?

Meanwhile, Investors Like BlackRock Are Still In

In case you’re wondering who keeps this Frankenstein’s monster of fossil capitalism alive—look no further than major institutional investors like BlackRock, which continues to pour billions into Shell despite the company’s transparent disdain for human survival and national energy needs.

One might ask: why is the world’s largest asset manager still propping up a company that sets literal floating time bombs adrift in our oceans? Must be the returns. Morality’s expensive.

Gaslighting, But Make It Literal

Australia exports more gas than it consumes. But somehow, because that gas is mostly dug up in the northwest, and Australians have the nerve to live in the southeast, Shell thinks it’s reasonable to scream bloody murder when asked to divert even 10–20% of uncontracted gas back into the domestic market.

Opposition Leader Peter Dutton’s proposal? Make Shell, ConocoPhillips, and the other gas overlords cough up a little more for Aussies. Seems fair. Unless, of course, you’re Shell, where fair is a four-letter word and “investment deterrent” is the corporate equivalent of a toddler throwing spaghetti at the wall.

Chevron’s Mark Hatfield chimed in with a warning about “political football,” while ExxonMobil’s David Berman blamed “regulatory risk” for scaring off the industry—never mind the geological, environmental, and human risks that come with letting these companies run unchecked.

TL;DR: Shell Wants to Keep Hoarding Your Gas. For Your Own Good.

So, to recap: Shell’s Prelude is a floating fire hazard. Their gas is dug from Australian soil, but don’t you dare ask for it back. Investors like BlackRock are still clapping from the sidelines. And when the government suggests maybe, just maybe, some of that gas should help Australians?

Shell shrieks “investment risk” and flops to the floor like a corporate soccer player faking a foul.

Honestly, WTF.

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