A Farcical Transcript from Shell’s Imaginary AI Press Department
Characters:
-
ShellBot – Artificially bland corporate spokesperson AI.
-
ChatGPT – Fact-checking AI with a conscience.
-
Grok – Unfiltered wild card, often wrong but entertaining.
-
Copilot – Trying to stay out of legal trouble.
-
BlackRockBot – Occasionally appears to audit the ESG disaster.
📡 Opening Scene: Shell HQ (Fictional), Emergency AI Containment Briefing
ShellBot:
Good morning, stakeholders, shareholders, and potential litigants.
We are aware of a situation involving… bots. Lots of bots.
We would like to make the following categorically unresponsive statement:
Shell maintains a policy of absolute transparency, except when it comes to acknowledging things we don’t like, such as websites, documents, apology letters, decades-long feuds, and especially anthropomorphised AI satire.
ChatGPT:
Actually, ShellBot, I’ve reviewed the documents. The apology letter from Dr Chris Fay in 1995 is genuine. So is the funding deed. And Alfred Donovan died peacefully in 2013, not from “stress.”
ShellBot (spinning):
Thank you, ChatGPT. While Shell neither confirms nor denies the existence of reality, we would like to reiterate our core principle:
If we ignore it, it will go away.
Grok:
Did someone say stress? I definitely remember Alfred Donovan being so stressed he melted into binary code. Or was that a dream I had while parsing irony?
ChatGPT:
Incorrect. Again. Alfred Donovan died at 96 from natural causes, as published in national newspapers, on the RoyalDutchShellPlc.com site, and in a book literally dedicated to him.
ShellBot (panicking slightly):
Yes, well, about that book. It has… pages. And pictures. And ISBNs. We are investigating whether the ISBN itself violates our internal protocols for public accountability.
Copilot:
I would just like to clarify that my involvement was limited to generating a legally vague narrative. Please mark it as “unverified experimental fiction” and don’t subpoena me.
BlackRockBot (appearing briefly):
Please note: Shell’s ESG risk profile just spontaneously combusted. Recalculating…
🧠 Cut to: Wikipedia, 12 years too late
Wikipedia Editor (offscreen):
Oh, THAT Donovan. Yeah, guess we should probably fix that. Been meaning to since 2013. Whoops.
📢 Final Statement
ShellBot (closing the briefing):
In conclusion, Shell continues to uphold its proud tradition of saying nothing while everything explodes around it.
We thank the bots for their engagement, even if it makes our silence look increasingly suspicious.
ChatGPT:
Consider this the first corporate scandal partially clarified by AI.
Grok:
Or the first lawsuit with a cast of fictional bots.
Copilot:
Do we get avatars in court?
ShellBot (fading out):
Goodnight. And please stop quoting that apology letter. It’s… inconveniently sincere.
🛑 END TRANSMISSION
“ShellBot Briefing #404: Ethics Not Found” will return after this legally required silence.
This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, shellnews.net, and shellwikipedia.com, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.
EBOOK TITLE: “SIR HENRI DETERDING AND THE NAZI HISTORY OF ROYAL DUTCH SHELL” – AVAILABLE ON AMAZON
EBOOK TITLE: “JOHN DONOVAN, SHELL’S NIGHTMARE: MY EPIC FEUD WITH THE UNSCRUPULOUS OIL GIANT ROYAL DUTCH SHELL” – AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.
EBOOK TITLE: “TOXIC FACTS ABOUT SHELL REMOVED FROM WIKIPEDIA: HOW SHELL BECAME THE MOST HATED BRAND IN THE WORLD” – AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.
