Well, well, well—if it isn’t Shell, our favorite greedy, ruthless, polluting oil giant, swimming neck-deep in climate lawsuits while pretending to care about the planet.

The courts are now one of the hottest battlegrounds in the war against planet-warming emissions, and Shell is right there in the spotlight, along with its fossil fuel cronies. At least 86 lawsuits have been filed globally against these fossil fuel dinosaurs, and guess who’s leading the pack? Yep, Shell—because being the biggest sinner in the “sin stock” hall of fame comes with perks like endless court cases!

The lawsuits against Shell aren’t just about some little spills (although they’ve left enough oil slicks to fill an ocean)—they’re about climate damage. A 2021 ruling by a Dutch court ordered Shell to reduce its emissions by 45% by 2030, which Shell, in true corporate villain fashion, promptly appealed. Why? Because making real changes would be inconvenient for Shell’s profit-driven soul. Instead, their spokeswoman offered some condescending drivel about how “smart policy from government and action from all sectors” is the way forward. Translation: “Please don’t make us actually take responsibility—we’d rather just keep paying off politicians.”

But Shell’s problems don’t stop in Europe. Back in the good ol’ U.S. of A., more than two dozen lawsuits have been filed by state and local governments, accusing oil companies of knowing about climate change all along and—shocker—hiding the facts from the public. Kind of like Big Tobacco but with more oil and fewer cigarettes. Not surprisingly, Shell is part of that oily lineup. You see, it’s not that they didn’t know the planet was heating up, they just didn’t want anyone else to know. Gotta keep those profits rolling in!

And just in case you thought civil lawsuits weren’t enough of a headache, activists and legislators are now pushing for criminal charges. Yep, some folks are asking if Shell and its friends should be charged with homicide for their decades-long climate deception. That’s right, Shell—homicide. Seems only fair, considering the environmental destruction they’ve caused. Senator Sheldon Whitehouse and Representative Jamie Raskin even asked Attorney General Merrick Garland to investigate oil companies for their disinformation campaigns.

In fact, over in Belgium, they’ve already made “ecocide” a crime. If you destroy the environment on purpose, you could end up facing criminal charges. Shell, of course, is probably sweating bullets. This could get awkward if the International Criminal Court decides that destroying the planet might just be criminal after all. I mean, Shell’s lawyers are already working overtime to dodge these cases, but at this rate, they might run out of excuses faster than they run out of oil.

Now, don’t forget about John Donovan, the thorn in Shell’s side and the man behind royaldutchshellplc.com, where he’s been exposing Shell’s dirty little secrets for years. For some reason, Shell never sues him for libel—maybe because telling the truth isn’t defamatory, huh? He’s been fearless in pointing out how Shell’s investors, like BlackRock and Vanguard, turn a blind eye to all this destruction while lining their pockets with fossil fuel profits. Funny how that works, isn’t it?

So, here we are. Shell is facing a mountain of lawsuits, potential criminal charges, and an international movement to make ecocide a crime. But don’t worry—they’re still raking in billions while pretending they care about “smart climate policies.” After all, being a sin stock means never having to say you’re sorry.

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