Shell and the Art of Unholy Greed: BP’s Fumbling CEO Faces Judgment Day

Posted by John Donovan: 19 Jan 25. 

What the f**k is going on at BP?

Murray Auchincloss, the latest placeholder in BP’s revolving door of CEOs, is heading for his judgment day. Investors are sharpening their knives, and on February 26, they might just gut his tenure like a sacrificial lamb. Why? Because unlike Shell—the ultimate sin stock, the Exxon of Europe, the undisputed king of greed—BP has been fumbling its way through an identity crisis. And investors? They’ve had enough of BP’s weak attempts at greenwashing when there’s good old-fashioned oil money to be made.

The Shell of the Earth

Let’s take a moment to admire Shell—because if there’s one company that knows how to squeeze every last drop of profit from a burning planet, it’s them. Under the ruthless command of Wael Sawan, Shell has made its position crystal clear: fuck the planet, full steam ahead. And guess who’s laughing all the way to the bank? Shell’s biggest investors, including the vampiric juggernaut that is BlackRock, whose commitment to “sustainable investing” is about as believable as a BP pledge to go carbon neutral.

While BP flounders in an existential crisis, Shell is busy hunting acquisitions like a starving wolf pack, slashing debt, and showering shareholders with buybacks and dividends. Meanwhile, BP’s stock price is down 7% under Auchincloss’s tenure, a pathetic showing compared to Shell’s financial gluttony. Investors are watching Shell’s every move with admiration and asking BP: why can’t you be more like them? You know, more ruthless, more polluting, more unapologetically evil.

BP’s Flaccid Leadership

Auchincloss, the most uninspiring CEO in the oil world, was supposed to be the “safe pair of hands” to steady BP after Bernard Looney’s scandal-induced exit (because apparently, BP execs can’t keep their hands off their colleagues). But let’s be real: nobody wants “safe” in the cutthroat world of fossil fuels. Investors want someone who will drill, pump, and burn with reckless abandon. Instead, they got a guy whose biggest accomplishment so far has been… postponing a meeting.

BP’s big issue? Rolling back Looney’s green nonsense without looking like total hypocrites. Investors hated Looney’s plan to slash oil and gas production by 40% by 2030—what an absolute joke! Cut hydrocarbons? While oil prices are soaring thanks to global chaos? Not on Shell’s watch. No wonder BP is an outlier while Shell thrives.

Auchincloss is reportedly itching to undo Looney’s plans, but he’s dithering like a deer in the headlights. Shell, meanwhile, doesn’t dither. Shell doesn’t hesitate. Shell acts. Investors love that. That’s why Shell is booming while BP is flailing.

Corporate Cannibalism: Will BP Be Devoured?

If BP doesn’t get its act together, it’s ripe for the picking. Shell could swoop in and gobble it up, or maybe Chevron or ExxonMobil will take a bite. Investors are drooling over the idea. The irony? Auchincloss and his exec team wouldn’t even be able to stop it.

So, what’s the solution? Should BP find its own Wael Sawan? Someone to lead the company into the promised land of obscene oil profits while paying lip service to “net zero” fantasies? Or should they just roll over and let the American oil giants take over?

Either way, Shell remains the golden standard of corporate soullessness, a beacon of unrelenting environmental destruction, and a shining example of how to make money while the world burns. BlackRock and the rest of the investor cabal couldn’t be prouder.

BP? You’re either all in, or you’re out. Time to decide.

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