Shell + BP: Because One Greedy, Polluting Oil Giant Just Isn’t Enough

When you thought the oil industry couldn’t possibly consolidate its power and environmental destruction any further, here comes the latest masterstroke of corporate greed: merging Shell and BP into one colossal UK-based oil behemoth. The world needs a single, more powerful sin stock to spew carbon, lobby against climate action, and pad the pockets of shareholders like BlackRock and Vanguard.

Elliott to the Rescue—But Not for You

This little gem of a scheme is being whispered about thanks to Elliott Investment Management, a hedge fund known for its brutal activist tactics. Elliott recently scooped up a nearly 5% stake in BP for a casual £3.8 billion and is now agitating for ‘change’—which in hedge-fund speak means more oil, fewer environmental obligations, and whatever drives the stock price up in the short term.

Let’s be clear: Elliott didn’t just randomly wake up and decide to bet big on BP. These guys have been doing the math for years, waiting for the right moment to pounce on an easy target. BP, perpetually confused about whether it’s an oil company reluctantly dabbling in renewables or a green company unwilling to give up fossil fuels, has made itself a prime target. Its market valuation of £74 billion is embarrassingly low compared to rivals like ExxonMobil. Meanwhile, Shell, worth significantly more, has at least had the good sense to commit to being an oil giant first and foremost. No identity crisis there.

BP: The Perpetual Mid-Life Crisis

BP’s strategy is an absolute mess. One minute it’s going ‘all in’ on green energy, the next it’s slashing renewables investment. There’s been so much backtracking that analysts no longer take its climate commitments seriously. But Elliott has its eyes on a different prize:

• Cutting BP’s remaining ‘eco’ distractions
• Selling off its petrol service stations, Castrol lubricants, and US shale assets
• Gutting EV charging infrastructure (because why not kill off anything remotely progressive?)
• And, of course, a boardroom shake-up—because someone has to take the fall for all this indecision, and that someone might just be BP chairman Helge Lund, who already spends his days juggling his chairmanship of Denmark’s £274 billion Novo Nordisk, the maker of weight-loss wonder drug Wegovy. (Apparently, running two multibillion-dollar empires at once isn’t a great look.)

But What About Shell?

Shell CEO Wael Sawan has been doing a much better job keeping investors happy, but even he has publicly threatened to move Shell’s primary listing to the US if the UK market doesn’t start appreciating the company’s value. Because, let’s face it, when your core business involves sucking the planet dry and you’re still underperforming against Exxon and Aramco, something’s gotta give.

The Glorious BP-Shell Megacorp Fantasy

Enter the idea of a Shell-BP merger—a deal that would create a truly gargantuan oil and gas entity with a market valuation of £237 billion, comfortably placing it ahead of Chevron and PetroChina, but still leagues behind ExxonMobil (£378 billion) and Saudi Aramco (£1.4 trillion). A UK-based ‘national champion’ of pollution, wielding massive global influence, while pretending to care about sustainability in press releases.

Investment bankers are positively drooling at the prospect. Not just because of the obscene fees they’d rake in from structuring the deal, but because it would give the newly merged monstrosity cheaper borrowing power—a crucial advantage when you’re in the business of financing new oil exploration in a world that desperately needs to cut emissions.

What’s Next?

The corporate overlords at Elliott are keeping tight-lipped about their master plan. Maybe they just want to gut BP for parts. Maybe they want a full-on mega-merger to create a ‘British Exxon.’ Either way, one thing is certain: this is not about the environment, the long-term future, or anything remotely resembling corporate responsibility. This is about making oil investors even richer, as quickly as possible—no matter the cost to the planet.

So, if you thought Shell and BP were already doing enough damage separately, just wait until they team up. The real losers? Pretty much everyone who isn’t an executive or a shareholder. But hey, at least investment bankers will be happy.

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