Wall Street’s Favorite Polluters Get Cozy, Because Who Needs a Planet Anyway?
BP, ever the corporate chameleon, has decided that even pretending to care about the environment is too much effort. After a brief and laughable flirtation with “green energy,” the oil giant is doing what it does best—doubling down on fossil fuels. And guess who’s cheering them on? None other than Wall Street’s financial overlord, Elliott Management. Because when your primary investors are the same hedge fund sharks who see ethics as an optional extra, saving the planet seems downright unprofitable.
Murray Auchincloss, BP’s chief executive and apparent fossil fuel enthusiast, recently confirmed what we all suspected: BP is slashing its already pathetic renewable energy investments by $5 billion a year. Instead, they’ll be plowing a solid $10 billion annually into good old-fashioned oil and gas extraction—because why transition to the future when you can cling desperately to the past?
But here’s the kicker: Elliott Management isn’t satisfied. Apparently, BP’s half-hearted attempt at environmental destruction isn’t extreme enough. The hedge fund, which now holds a £3.5 billion stake in BP, is pushing for a full-on exorcism of all things green. Forget merely scaling back renewables—Elliott wants BP to dump solar and wind entirely. Oil execs must be high-fiving in their boardrooms, knowing that the only green they care about is money.
And speaking of corporate villains, let’s talk about Shell—because what’s better than one mega-polluter? Two. With both companies scrambling to squeeze every last drop of profit from a dying industry, rumors are swirling about the ultimate unholy alliance: a BP-Shell merger. Imagine it—two of the most notorious climate offenders joining forces to create the ExxonMobil of Europe. Investors like BlackRock and Vanguard, already profiting handsomely from environmental devastation, would be practically giddy.
So what’s next? Perhaps BP and Shell will announce a new marketing campaign: “Why Invest in the Future When You Can Profit From the Past?” It’s a match made in climate hell, and if Elliott gets its way, we’ll all be paying the price—except, of course, the oil barons and their Wall Street enablers.
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