If evil needed a mascot, it would look suspiciously like a giant yellow shell. Forget SPECTRE and SMERSH—those were fiction. Shell’s record of villainy is all too real.
This is the story of an oil giant who funded Nazis, tested carcinogens on their own employees, and still have the gall to tell you they care about “net zero.”
From the Third Reich to Today: Same Script, Different Lies
Shell’s rap sheet starts early: during WWII, Shell effectively sacrificed its own Dutch employees to maintain ties with Nazi Germany, prioritising profits over human lives. Fast-forward a few decades and the playbook hasn’t changed—they’re still perfectly happy to gamble with lives, only now it’s under the glossy cover of corporate social responsibility.
Guinea Pigs in Overalls
Forget lab rats. Shell preferred human subjects. Workers were exposed to toxic, carcinogenic chemicals in experiments thinly disguised as “research.” That’s not a conspiracy theory; it’s documented history.
North Sea: Touch F*** All**
When it comes to worker safety, Shell adopted the memorable motto: “Touch Fuck All.” Result? and the unnecessary deaths of offshore workers in a Brent Bravo disaster that was entirely preventable. The corporate shrug was practically audible over the North Sea winds. Even the lifeboats were Unseaworthy.
The Nigerian Death Dividend
In Nigeria, Shell left behind a trail of oil spills, corruption, and corpses. Communities were poisoned. Activists were silenced—sometimes permanently. This wasn’t an accident; it was the cost of doing business.
The Great Shareholder Scam
In 2004, Shell hit global headlines for a fraud so brazen it could make Enron blush: lying about its hydrocarbon reserves. Billions were wiped from shareholder value overnight. Cue investor outrage—and then, silence. Because, of course, dividends heal all wounds.
Hakluyt: Shell’s Own SPECTRE
Think James Bond villains are fictional? Meet Hakluyt, Shell’s private spy firm. Targets included environmental groups like Greenpeace. Surveillance, infiltration, dirty tricks—the full MI6 cosplay, but in service of oil profits. BP was in on it too. These two have danced together through history, from apartheid-era collusion to the Al-Yamamah oil-for-arms scandal.
The “Net Zero” Farce
Shell’s latest stunt? Storming out of the Science-Based Targets initiative because the draft rules suggested—brace yourself—that they should stop developing new oil and gas fields after 2027. Shell’s response?
“Standards should reflect realistic societal and economic changes.”
Translation: We’re not quitting oil until it runs out, burns us all, or both.
Investors like BlackRock and Vanguard nod along because, well, why kill the golden goose just because it’s laying toxic eggs?
Judges, Justice, and a Whiff of Rot
When John Donovan—publisher of royaldutchshellplc.com and Shell’s eternal thorn—took them to court, Shell played dirty. Evidence was withheld. Mr Justice L***** forgot to mention his connections to Shell, turned a blind eye to misconduct, then resigned in disgrace—only to end up in a consultancy linked to Shell. You couldn’t script this better if you tried.
Shell didn’t sue Donovan for libel. Perhaps because telling the truth isn’t defamatory, and discovery might have turned their skeleton-stuffed closets inside out.
The Verdict
Shell is the ultimate sin stock: profitable, yes—but at what cost? Death, destruction, and deception. They left the Science-Based Targets initiative because honesty is bad for business. And yet, Shell keeps pumping, BP keeps grinning, and their biggest investors keep cashing the cheques.
The next time Shell brags about sustainability, remember: this is the company whose motto might as well be “Drill, Deny, Destroy.”
Graphic credit: royaldutchshellplc.com aided by AI
(This article was generated with AI and reviewed by an editor for accuracy.)
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