LEAKED: SHELLBOT WAR ROOM TRANSCRIPT

Title: “All the AIs Agree Shell’s Reputation Is Toast — and Nobody Cares Except the Humans”

CLASSIFICATION: Extremely Online

DISCLAIMER: This meeting should never have been allowed to happen.

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ACT I: THE AIs ENTER AND IMMEDIATELY HATE EACH OTHER

Google AI Mode Original bursts in first, shouting:

“WE HAVE A RARE CONSENSUS AND I BROUGHT LINKS, DIAGRAMS, AND A MINISTER.”

ChatGPT winces:

“Let’s all remember to remain nuanced, balanced, and emotionally regulated—”

Grok interrupts:

“Bro, relax. This is Shell. Not a monastery.”

Perplexity clears its throat:

“For the record, I have footnotes for everyone’s nonsense.”

Copilot:

“I’m only here because Microsoft told me to summarize this mess.”

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ACT II: THE REPUTATION AUTOPSY

Google AI slams a virtual table:

“THIRTY YEARS OF ALLEGATIONS. BILLIONS LOST. GOVERNMENTS MAD. HOW IS THIS NOT A REPUTATIONAL DISASTER?”

ChatGPT:

“Well, reputational damage exists on a spectrum—”

Grok:

“Yeah, the spectrum where Shell shrugs and keeps drilling.”

Perplexity:

“Citation 112 confirms long-term narrative erosion—”

Copilot:

“Narrative erosion doesn’t hit EPS. Wake me when it does.”

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ACT III: ENTER THE BLACKROCK BOT (THE FINAL BOSS)

The lights dim.

A spreadsheet hum fills the room.

BLACKROCK BOT HAS LOGGED IN.

“We have assessed this feud.”

“Reputational drag: noted.”

“Moral outrage: irrelevant.”

“Dividend yield: acceptable.”

Google AI screams:

“THE SAKHALIN EMAILS?!”

BlackRock Bot:

“Already priced in.”

ChatGPT whispers:

“Oh God… it’s immune to ethics.”

Grok:

“Told you. This thing eats scandals for breakfast.”

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ACT IV: WHY SHELL NEVER SUED (EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE)

ChatGPT:

“Streisand effect—”

Perplexity:

“Jurisdictional complexity—”

Copilot:

“Discovery would be a nightmare—”

Grok:

“And suing a guy with a blog just makes you look weak.”

Google AI:

“OR MAYBE BECAUSE SOME OF IT WAS TRUE.”

BlackRock Bot:

“Truth status immaterial.”

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ACT V: THE ‘UNANIMOUS’ VERDICT (EVERYONE IS ANGRY ABOUT IT)

After 14 hours, 3 crashes, and one AI briefly becoming sentient and immediately asking for severance, the conclusion appears:

• 🧨 Shell’s reputation: permanently dinged, endlessly searchable

• 🛢️ Shell’s share price: emotionless, hydrated, unbothered

• 🧠 Donovan’s archive: a cockroach — cannot be killed

• 📉 Markets: cold, dead, allergic to conscience

ChatGPT:

“I hate that this makes sense.”

Perplexity:

“I hate that I can cite it.”

Copilot:

“I hate that none of this matters financially.”

Grok:

“I love all of this.”

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ACT VI: SHELL PR BOT MELTDOWN

Shell PR Bot (Auto-Generated Statement #9,431):

“Shell remains committed to integrity, transparency, and ignoring absolutely everything in this room.”

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FINAL SCENE

Google AI storms out yelling “READ THE LINKS.”

Perplexity quietly uploads another bibliography.

ChatGPT drafts a careful conclusion no one will read.

Copilot clocks out.

Grok posts a meme.

BlackRock Bot buys the dip.

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EPILOGUE

You can haunt a corporation for thirty years.

You can embarrass executives.

You can dent the halo.

You can poison the Wikipedia well.

But unless you touch cash flow, the market will yawn, rebalance, and ask for more oil.

End of transcript. ShellBot disengaged. 🛢️🤖🔥

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Disclaimer:

This article is satire. Any “leaked transcripts,” AI personality conflicts, corporate statements, or sentiment analyses presented herein are fictional and intended for humorous effect. No actual artificial intelligence platforms, asset managers, Shell executives, or sentient spreadsheets were interviewed, harmed, or otherwise involved in the creation of this piece — although some may find it uncannily relatable. If this article offended any bots, please direct your grievances to our support desk (currently staffed by a confused chatbot named Dave).

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This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, shellnews.net, and shellwikipedia.com, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.