BP: Blood in the Water, and Shell Smells It

What do you get when a bumbling oil giant haemorrhages value, loses strategic coherence, and waves around a “Help Wanted” sign for a new chairman? Apparently, a neon-lit invitation for the fossil fuel mafia to pounce—Shell first in line, calculator in hand, rubbing its oily palms.

Yes, dear readers, the whispers around London aren’t your average City gossip. BP—once a titan of British industry, now more of a cautionary tale wrapped in PR greenwash—is reportedly catching the eye of its smug, more bloated cousin: Shell. And why not? BP’s market cap has shrunk to a pint-sized £56 billion, less than half that of Shell, whose idea of “climate leadership” involves expanding oil drilling while calling it a “transition.”

Shell’s CEO Wael Sawan, whose love affair with share buybacks is only rivalled by his contempt for meaningful decarbonisation, recently claimed he’d rather shovel cash into repurchasing Shell’s own stock than stoop to acquiring BP. Sophistry, you say? You bet. According to insiders, Shell has been quietly updating its corporate cookbook with a fresh BP-flavoured M&A recipe. It’s only a matter of time before someone in The Hague decides the oven’s hot enough.

But wait—enter stage right: ExxonMobil, the Texan titan that sees ethics the way a bull sees red. Exxon’s eyeing BP too, and why not? The two share a similarly ruthless upstream portfolio, and Exxon would love nothing more than to swallow BP’s energy trading arm whole—like a python inhaling a goat.

Let’s pause for a moment and imagine that dystopia: BP, already ethically confused, becomes the plaything of Exxon, a company whose idea of responsibility is lobbying against climate science while giving PowerPoint presentations on “net zero pathways.” At least Shell’s takeover would come with smoother PowerPoint animations.

But behind every looming megamerger is a shadow even more grotesque: the enablers. BlackRock, BP and Shell’s faithful institutional sugar daddy, continues to pump billions into these carbon-chugging behemoths while preaching ESG sermons out of the other side of its mouth. With “sustainable investing” like this, who needs climate deniers?

Of course, the UK government might raise an eyebrow at the prospect of an American oil vampire draining the lifeblood from a once-proud British fossil. Or not. If past performance is anything to go by, Downing Street might just hold the door open, offer tea, and ask if Exxon would like BP’s pension fund data while they’re at it.

The truth? This isn’t a takeover drama—it’s a slow-motion corporate cannibalism saga, starring the world’s greediest climate arsonists and cheered on by financiers in thousand-pound suits. The planet burns, emissions rise, and the only thing that consolidates faster than the oil majors is their contempt for public accountability.

Graphic credit to royaldutchshellplc.com and John Donovan in collaboration with AI.

Disclosure: This article was generated with the support of AI and reviewed by an editor.

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, shellnews.net, and shellwikipedia.com, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.