Oh no, poor Shell only made $4.26 billion in profit last quarter—down nearly a third thanks to falling gas prices. Let’s all shed a carbon-neutral tear for Europe’s biggest fossil fuel polluter as it clutches its pearls and assures investors it’ll still shovel billions back into their pockets through buybacks. Because priorities.
Gas prices across Europe tumbled nearly 20% between April and June, helped along by a rare moment of geopolitical sanity—a ceasefire between Iran and Israel—and lower demand from China. The result? A sudden market correction that Shell calls “non-fundamentals-based volatility,” which is CEO Wael Sawan’s adorable way of saying, we didn’t see this shit coming.
Sawan told CNBC, “This was really sort of paper-induced volatility, and that is not what we typically trade into.”Translation: Shell can’t squeeze as much out of chaos when the chaos isn’t profitable.
Still, no worries for shareholders. Shell is launching yet another $3.5 billion share buyback in Q3. Because even when profits fall, BlackRock, Vanguard, and the rest of the Wall Street enablers expect their blood-soaked dividends. Shell’s debt is rising, but hey—when your core business model involves torching the planet for money, who needs a healthy balance sheet?
Let’s be clear: this isn’t just about some bad luck in trading. According to Derren Nathan of Hargreaves Lansdown, Shell got hit by a trifecta of failure: weak commodity prices, a trading slump, and—chef’s kiss—unplanned downtime at its chemical plants, which are also circling the drain.
But don’t be fooled. Despite the dip, profits exceeded City forecasts, which were bracing for a bigger fall to $3.7 billion. Shell beating expectations is like an arsonist being praised for not burning everything down. The City cheers, while the rest of us choke.
Meanwhile, households across the UK get a temporary breather: lower wholesale gas prices mean a 7% drop in the government’s energy price cap. Enjoy it while it lasts—because Shell sure doesn’t plan on making “affordable energy” a trend.
And for those clinging to the illusion that Shell might care about the world it’s actively wrecking? Don’t. The company has rolled back its climate targets, because growth, not survival, is the mission. Or as Robin Wells of Fossil Free London put it while protesting outside Shell HQ:
“We are now in a new normal of record-breaking heat, created by corporations like Shell. This will mean devastation and mass loss of human life.”
But sure, Wael—tell us more about your “strong operational performance.”
This is what happens when planetary collapse is just another market fluctuation. Welcome to Shell’s version of the “new normal”: obscene payouts, political hand-waving, and just enough spin to keep investors smiling as the world burns.
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