Shell Hands Its €26 Billion Pension Fund to BlackRock

Shell Hands Its €26 Billion Pension Fund to BlackRock – Because Who Better to Handle Your Retirement Than the World’s Greediest Oil Giant and a Wall Street Vampire?

In yet another episode of Shell Plays Hot Potato with Billions, the ultimate sin stock has decided to hand over its €26 billion Dutch pension fund to none other than BlackRock, that benevolent bastion of corporate greed. Shell, the company with a glorious history of collaborating with Nazis, testing carcinogens on its own employees (because, why not?), and using its in-house spy firm, Hakluyt, to target environmentalists like Greenpeace, is now letting BlackRock manage the retirement dreams of its workers. You know, just in case their existing sins weren’t enough to leave a lasting legacy of moral bankruptcy.

Apparently, Shell Asset Management Company B.V. (SAMCo), Shell’s in-house asset manager, is no longer up to the task of handling all this cash. So, like a good corporate overlord, Shell decided it’s time for SAMCo to step aside and bleed out quietly while they ship their biggest client off to BlackRock. “The switch to BlackRock does not affect the €600 million defined contribution fund,” Shell graciously informed us – because €600 million is clearly pocket change in this whole sordid affair.

For those of you unfamiliar with BlackRock, they’re the Wall Street juggernaut that basically owns everything, everywhere, all at once – from real estate to the climate crisis (that they helped fuel, mind you). Shell and BlackRock teaming up is like a billionaire evil genius and a hedge fund vampire joining forces to, I don’t know, drink the planet dry while we all watch. And to top it off, BlackRock is supposed to help Shell transition into responsible investment practices, because apparently, after decades of setting the world on fire, Shell now wants to appear responsible.

Kenan Yıldırım, director of the Shell pension fund, is here to calm our nerves with this reassuring gem: “BlackRock’s appointment should safeguard the execution of the investment process and ensure that the costs and risks of the transition are carefully managed.” You hear that? BlackRock, the poster child for reckless capitalism, is going to carefully manage your future. Feel better yet?

Meanwhile, SAMCo, Shell’s internal asset manager, is left floundering. Losing its largest client means SAMCo is now in free fall, watching its assets under management dwindle. From €68.7 billion in 2022, it’s already bled out more than half of its assets, including billions handed off to Switzerland’s LGT Capital Partners and Prudential in the US. Not to worry, though – Shell didn’t respond to requests for comment on how this devastating decision will affect SAMCo or its 142 employees. Because when has Shell ever cared about collateral damage?

But let’s not forget, Shell’s been playing this game for a long time. Just ask John Donovan, the tireless watchdog at royaldutchshellplc.com, who’s been calling out Shell’s relentless hypocrisy for years. Despite Shell’s best efforts, they’ve never managed to pin a libel suit on him. Maybe, just maybe, that’s because telling the truth isn’t defamatory?

So here we are, watching as Shell’s pension fund gets sucked into BlackRock’s abyss, while SAMCo hemorrhages assets and workers wonder what the future holds. But at least Shell is focusing on responsible investment now, right? Sure. And I’m sure their sinister shadow operations at Hakluyt are just for charity work.

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