Shell’s Legacy of Greed, Death, and Destruction that Makes SPECTRE Look Like Boy Scouts

In today’s episode of “How Many More People Can Shell Kill for Profit?” we’ve got more lawsuits, more corporate greed, and the usual cocktail of death and destruction that Shell serves up with a smile. This time, it’s the North Sea’s Rosebank and Jackdaw fields, where Shell, along with its buddies Equinor and Ithaca Energy, are facing a Greenpeace judicial review for yet another scandalous environmental mess. Because if there’s one thing Shell knows how to do, it’s turn an environmental catastrophe into a line item on a balance sheet.

So, what’s the crime this time? Oh, just the small matter of illegally ignoring emissions from burning oil and gas extracted from these fields. Because, you know, when you’re Shell, climate change is just a pesky rumor that only poor people need to worry about. Scottish courts have now granted Greenpeace a judicial review, and it turns out that actually caring about the planet might be something the courts are interested in. But don’t worry, Shell doesn’t—after all, why factor in a climate crisis when you can factor in billions in profit?

A Legacy of Blood and Oil

But Shell’s villainy didn’t start with the North Sea. Oh no, this is a company that’s had its boots firmly planted on the neck of decency for over a century. Let’s not forget how they helped the Nazis by cheerfully sacrificing their Dutch employees during World War II. Because if there’s one way to show off your corporate ethics, it’s by teaming up with the Third Reich and sending your workers to their deaths. And when they weren’t collaborating with fascists, Shell used its own workers as human guinea pigs, testing carcinogenic chemicals on them like some twisted science experiment.

Touch Fuck All Safety: The North Sea Platform Scandal

And speaking of workers, how could we forget Shell’s “Touch Fuck All” approach to safety on the North Sea oil platforms? You’d think lifeboats would be the bare minimum for offshore workers—y’know, for those pesky moments when the rig explodes. But not for Shell. No, their lifeboats were unseaworthy death traps, and when shit inevitably hit the fan, people died. But don’t worry, Shell survived just fine. In fact, they thrived—because avoiding accountability is a core pillar of their business model.

Cooking the Books, Defrauding Shareholders

Then there’s the time Shell decided to pull the biggest reserves scandal in recent memory—2004, anyone? You remember that, right? The time they defrauded their own shareholders by lying about the amount of hydrocarbons they had. The thing about robbing your shareholders blind is that it only makes headlines for a few weeks. The environmental devastation you leave behind? That lasts for generations.

Murder and Mayhem in Nigeria

And speaking of devastation, let’s take a detour to Nigeria, where Shell’s reign of terror includes pollution, corruption, and just a casual side of murder. The Niger Delta is practically an oil-soaked hellscape, thanks to Shell. Fish dead, crops poisoned, and entire communities destroyed—all in a day’s work. Oh, and if you dared speak out? Well, you might just end up dead too. But hey, that’s just collateral damage, right?

Spy Games with Hakluyt

And don’t even get us started on Shell’s little in-house spy firm, Hakluyt. Forget James Bond—these guys make SPECTRE look like an amateur hour. Their job? Target anyone who dares to challenge Shell’s dirty deeds, like Greenpeace. God forbid anyone stand up to the world’s most ruthless oil giant. Funny thing though—despite all their intimidation tactics, Shell hasn’t been able to silence John Donovan, the man behind royaldutchshellplc.com. Guess when you’re telling the truth about a company that’s bathed in corruption and deceit, they can’t risk airing their dirty laundry in open court. Good luck suing someone for defamation when everything they say is verifiably true.

Rosebank and Jackdaw: More Pollution, Less Accountability

Now here we are, back to the present, where Shell’s latest act of ecological terrorism involves developing the Rosebank oil field—a project that could pump out enough CO2 to match 56 coal plants. But don’t worry, they’ve got a scapegoat ready. The oil and gas extracted won’t lower UK energy bills because most of it will be sold on the international market. Translation: Shell gets richer, the planet gets hotter, and you? You just keep paying the price.

Greenpeace’s legal challenge is simple: Stop these fields before Shell destroys even more of the planet. Mel Evans, Greenpeace UK’s climate team leader, said they will “continue to fight the corporate greed of fossil fuel companies,” a sentiment we can all get behind. It’s not just a fight against climate destruction, it’s a fight against Shell’s entire rotten business model—one built on lies, greed, and a trail of human suffering that would make any villain jealous.

The Bottom Line: Shell’s Ultimate Sin Stock

So here’s the truth: If you’re still investing in Shell, congratulations, you’re backing a company that’s outdone SPECTRE and SMERSH in real-world evil. Shell is the ultimate sin stock. No fiction necessary.

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