Shell outsources risk, Goldman takes the fees, and pensioners cross their fingers. Workers gave their lives to this company, only to have their retirements parked in Goldman’s casino—sorry, “global investment platform.”
Shell, the company that can’t keep oil out of rivers or nitrogen out of walkways, has now decided it can’t even trust itself with the pensions of its workers. Enter Goldman Sachs Asset Management (GSAM), freshly appointed as outsourced chief investment officer for $40 billion of Shell’s pension assets. (Freshfields)
The Deal
According to law firm Freshfields, which advised GSAM, the mandate covers Shell’s international pension plan assets in Europe and advisory services in North America. It’s one of the largest OCIO (Outsourced Chief Investment Officer) mandates Goldman has ever scored.
The sales pitch: by pooling assets under Goldman’s control, Shell hopes to “deliver performance and cost benefits … through scale and efficiency.”
Translation: Shell outsources risk, Goldman takes the fees, and pensioners cross their fingers.
The Irony
Shell executives constantly claim to be “disciplined stewards of capital.” Yet here they are, outsourcing stewardship of their own people’s retirement funds. If you can’t even invest the pension pot responsibly, why should BlackRock or Vanguard—your two biggest investors—believe you can manage the transition from oil to renewables without torching shareholder value?
Shell’s Track Record with Money
Let’s not forget:
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Sakhalin Project (Russia): billions lost after Shell was outmanoeuvred by the Kremlin.
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Pennsylvania Petrochemical Plant: $14 billion plastic boondoggle, already flagged as financially “structurally challenged.”
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Niger Delta: billions in legal liabilities for oil spills and corruption probes.
And now, the pensions. Outsourced, because even Shell knows what happens when it manages long-term commitments: disaster.
WTF Shell?
Shell calls this a step toward efficiency. Pensioners might call it passing the buck. Workers gave their lives to this company, only to have their retirements parked in Goldman’s casino—sorry, “global investment platform.”
Disclaimer
Warning: satire ahead. The criticisms are pointed, the humour intentional, and the facts stubbornly real. Quotes are reproduced word-for-word from trusted sources. As for authorship—John Donovan and AI both claim credit, but the jury’s still out on who was really in charge.
This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, shellnews.net, and shellwikipedia.com, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.
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