The Ghost in the Boardroom: Sir Henri Deterding Returns to Inspect Modern Shell

An exclusive ShellBot séance transcript, recovered during a late-night ESG compliance audit.

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At precisely 3:47 a.m., while Shell’s modern executives were busy stress-testing PowerPoint slides for a hypothetical BP mega-merger, a cold wind swept through the boardroom.

The lights flickered.

The ESG dashboard froze.

And then, unmistakably, a voice spoke:

“What in God’s name is this?”

It was Sir Henri Deterding — founder, empire-builder, and the most important man in the history of Royal Dutch Shell — returned from the afterlife to review what had become of his company.

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Deterding Takes Attendance

Deterding surveyed the room with visible irritation.

“No maps?”

“No oil concessions on the wall?”

“And why is everyone apologising?”

Shell’s modern executives froze. One attempted to explain “stakeholder alignment.” Another muttered something about “narrative management.”

Deterding recoiled.

“Narrative? I built an empire. I did not host a book club.”

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On the Donovan Problem

The ghost was quickly briefed on the three-decade feud with John Donovan — the websites, the documents, the leaks, the AI consensus, the satire.

Deterding listened silently.

Then he laughed.

Not a warm laugh.

A colonial-era, empire-maintenance laugh.

“You are telling me,” he said slowly,

“that one persistent critic has been publishing embarrassing material for thirty years…

…and you allowed it?”

An executive tried to explain the Streisand effect.

Another mentioned “jurisdictional complexity.”

A third whispered, “Wikipedia.”

Deterding’s spectral monocle shattered.

“In my day,” he said,

“this would have been dealt with by Tuesday.”

Shell’s lawyers shifted uncomfortably.

“Sir Henri,” one ventured,

“that would be… unlawful today.”

Deterding paused.

“Then your century is badly designed.”

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On Reputation Management

When told that AI platforms had reached a “rare consensus” that Shell’s reputation had suffered but its share price remained largely unaffected, Deterding nodded approvingly.

“Good. Markets should be indifferent to morality. Otherwise empires collapse.”

He then frowned.

“But why do machines know more about your reputation than you do?”

No one answered.

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On His Own Legacy

A brave soul raised the uncomfortable subject of Deterding’s later years — the politics, the associations, the book about his Nazi-era entanglements.

The temperature dropped.

“I was a man of my time,” Deterding snapped.

“Which is to say: brilliant, arrogant, and catastrophically wrong about certain things.”

He glared at the room.

“The difference is that I did not pretend to be virtuous while doing them.”

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On the BP Mega-Merger

When informed of ongoing speculation about a Shell–BP mega-merger, Deterding laughed again — louder this time.

“You want to merge two declining empires and call it strategy?”

He floated over the merger deck, skimmed three slides, and dismissed it.

“In my era, we merged to dominate governments.

You merge to reassure analysts.”

He paused.

“Still… I admire the ambition. Weak men rarely attempt large mistakes.”

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Final Verdict from the Afterlife

Before departing, Sir Henri Deterding left Shell with a final assessment:

“You are richer, safer, and far more frightened than we ever were.”

“You fear critics instead of governments.”

“You fear reputational noise instead of war.”

“And you let one man with a website outlast entire executive teams.”

He turned toward the exit, then stopped.

“As for the Donovan fellow,” he added,

“I would have crushed him.”

“Which, I now see, would have made him immortal.”

With that, the ghost vanished — leaving behind a faint smell of oil, ambition, and unresolved history.

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ShellBot Post-Séance Summary

• Sir Henri Deterding: deeply flawed, brutally effective

• Modern Shell: cautious, prosperous, permanently annotated

• Critics: annoying, persistent, unkillable

• History: never buried, only deferred

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Disclaimer:

This article is satire. Sir Henri Deterding did not actually return from the dead to critique Shell’s governance, critics, or merger strategy. Any resemblance between his fictional ghostly opinions and real historical attitudes is intentional, exaggerated, and meant to provoke thought rather than summon spirits.

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, shellnews.net, and shellwikipedia.com, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.