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Shell’s Generous Holiday Gift to Employees: More Time Off… Permanently

Shell promises to keep evaluating and tweaking, like a Grinch counting his stolen Christmas presents.

In a move that screams ‘corporate compassion’, Shell plc, the ever-so-environmentally-conscious oil baron, has decided to hand out a special Christmas present to its employees: job cuts! As per Bloomberg’s latest whispers, Shell is extending its season of giving beyond the previously announced ‘trimming’ within its low-carbon division, part of a grand plan to stuff up to $3 billion in savings into its stocking by the end of 2025.

But fear not! This Yuletide cleaving isn’t a willy-nilly affair. It’s a meticulously planned division-by-division game of corporate Jenga, where employees get to play ‘Will I Stay or Will I Go?’ complete with options like redundancy packages or a fun, company-wide game of musical chairs for other roles.

A Shell spokesperson, donning a metaphorical Santa hat, shared that this trimming of the corporate tree is all about ‘portfolio high grading’ (because who needs low grades?), streamlining for ‘new efficiencies’ (read: fewer people to pay), and an overall ‘leaner’ organization (because lean is in vogue). And while there’s no ‘official’ hit list, Shell promises to keep evaluating and tweaking, like a Grinch counting his stolen Christmas presents.

As for the nitty-gritty, like who and how many are getting these surprise holiday notices, Shell wraps that in secrecy – maybe they’re waiting to surprise everyone at the company Christmas party?

Remember Shell’s October announcement about cutting down its low-carbon solutions division by a merry 15% and putting the brakes on its hydrogen business? Well, that was just the appetizer. These new cuts are the main course of CEO Wael Sawan’s festive feast, aimed at boosting profitability – because what’s more important than a hearty bottom line to warm the corporate heart this holiday season?”

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