Shell Dumps New Zealand Assets Like It’s Cleaning Out Its Junk Drawer

Posted by John Donovan 2 April 2024

In a move that screams “spring cleaning,” Shell has decided to offload its upstream assets in New Zealand like they’re last season’s fashion trend. Because who needs oil wells when you can have… well, anything else?

According to the official announcement, Royal Dutch Shell Plc is selling its Kiwi goodies to Austria’s OMV AG for a cool $578 million (£414.7 million). Because apparently, selling off entire countries is just another day at the office for these oil tycoons.

And in case you were wondering, Shell wants you to know that this isn’t just about making a quick buck. Oh no, it’s about “reshaping and simplifying” the company, according to Shell’s Integrated Gas & New Energies Director Maarten Wetselaar. Because nothing says “simplicity” like selling off entire nations, right?

But fear not, dear New Zealanders, for Shell assures us that after the deal closes, all Shell Taranaki and Shell New Zealand employees will become part of OMV New Zealand. Because nothing says “job security” like being passed around like a hot potato in a corporate merger.

Meanwhile, OMV CEO Rainer Seele is positively thrilled about the acquisition, calling it “an important step to develop Australasia into a core region.” Because who wouldn’t want to turn an entire continent into their personal playground?

But let’s not forget the real reason behind Shell’s grand asset sale extravaganza. It’s all part of their cunning plan to dispose of $30 billion worth of assets by the end of 2018, following their acquisition of BG Group in 2016. Because when you’re a corporate giant, why bother holding onto pesky things like oil fields when you can just toss them aside like yesterday’s leftovers?

And let’s not overlook Shell’s previous garage sale moves, like selling off its stake in the Kapuni gas field back in 2017. Because apparently, New Zealand’s second-largest gas field just didn’t spark enough joy for Shell.

So there you have it, folks. Another day, another country sold off by Shell. Because when it comes to corporate greed, nothing says “profit” like treating entire nations as disposable commodities. Bravo, Shell. Bravo.

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