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Shell’s Hilarious Defence: “Reducing Emissions Hinders Our Quest to Destroy the Planet!”

“…a move that left environmentalists scratching their heads and laughing hysterically…”: “And the punchline? We’re all the ones left laughing – or crying – as the world burns.”

Posted by John Donovan 2 April 2024

In a stunning display of corporate audacity, Shell has taken to a Dutch court to argue that reducing greenhouse gas emissions would somehow hinder the noble cause of climate change. Because who needs a habitable planet when you can have record profits, am I right?

In a move that left environmentalists scratching their heads and laughing hysterically, a lower Dutch court had the audacity to order Shell to cut its planet-warming carbon emissions by a measly 45 percent by 2030. Shocking, I know. But fear not, for Shell is here to save the day with its ingenious argument: “This case has no legal basis.”

Yes, you heard that right. According to Shell’s lawyer Daan Lunsingh Scheurleer, implementing the court’s ruling would force Shell to actually, gasp, shrink its business. Because apparently, sacrificing a few bucks is simply out of the question when there’s oil to be drilled and profits to be made.

But wait, it gets better. Shell’s lawyers, in a stroke of comedic genius, argued that the energy crisis triggered by Russia’s invasion of Ukraine actually proves the importance of fossil fuels. Because nothing says “saving the planet” like exploiting geopolitical conflicts for profit.

And let’s not forget Shell’s valiant efforts to paint itself as an eco-friendly superhero. Despite slashing its 2030 carbon reduction target and scrapping a 2035 objective, Shell wants you to know that it’s totally committed to cutting emissions to net zero by 2050. Well, sort of. Maybe. If it doesn’t interfere too much with their bottom line, of course.

But fear not, dear readers, for Shell’s objections haven’t dampened the spirits of environmental crusaders like Friends of the Earth Netherlands. They’re confident that they can once again convince the judges that maybe, just maybe, destroying the planet isn’t such a great idea after all.

So there you have it, folks. Another day, another hilarious attempt by Shell to justify its insatiable greed at the expense of the planet. Because when it comes to corporate responsibility, Shell is truly in a league of its own. And the punchline? We’re all the ones left laughing – or crying – as the world burns.

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