Shell and BP Shares Plummet—Oh No, How Will the Planet-Burning Billionaires Cope?

Well, well, well, looks like Shell and BP have finally hit a speed bump on their highway to environmental destruction. In a shocking turn of events (cue the world’s tiniest violin), the stock prices of these oil-stained giants have taken a nosedive. Why? Because Saudi Arabia, that bastion of altruism, is reportedly ditching its plan to keep oil prices sky-high.

According to the Financial Times, Saudi Arabia, ever the benevolent overlord of the oil market, may abandon its $100-a-barrel target. Instead, they’re planning to flood the market with more crude. Gasp! Brent crude futures dropped to $71.62 a barrel, down 2.5% in a single session and 20% lower over the past six months.

You’d think the universe is starting to ask these fossil fuel peddlers, “What the f**k are you still doing here?”

Shell: Cry Me a River of Oil

Oh, the horror. Billions wiped off Shell and BP’s market value in one day. Shell alone dropped 133p, hitting its lowest point since January. Down by about 18% since May—ouch! But don’t shed too many tears for them. These corporate juggernauts have been riding high on a two-year period where OPEC slashed output, giving them enough extra cash to fund their “planetary destruction at scale” mission.

What’s that? Oh right, Shell’s robust balance sheet. Yeah, no need to worry. They’ve still got plenty of cash to blow on dividends and buybacks to appease their top investors. Bank of America even calls Shell a top Big Oil pick in Europe. It’s almost adorable how Wall Street still puts faith in the oil industry, as if these companies aren’t literally killing the planet.

The Saudi Shift: More Oil, Less Profit (But Only For a Second)

Saudi Arabia, always ready to surprise us, is expected to ramp up oil production from December. Throw Libya into the mix, and even more oil is likely to hit the market soon. As a result, BP and Shell shares went into free fall. After all, who cares about future generations when there’s oil money to be made today?

The Financial Times broke the news that the Saudis are ready to scrap their unofficial $100-a-barrel target, leading to Brent crude prices dropping below $72 a barrel. The fallout? Shell and BP shareholders watching their portfolios bleed. Just imagine their pain while sipping cocktails on private yachts fueled by… well, what else? More oil.

Don’t Worry, Shell’s Still Swimming in Cash

Despite the recent market dip, Shell’s doing just fine, folks. CEO Wael Sawan’s “capital and spending discipline” has kept the cash flowing. They just paid out a modest £1.6 billion dividend last Monday, with an unchanged quarterly dividend of 34.4 US cents (25.25p). And if that wasn’t enough to make your heart swell with joy, they’re buying back another $3.5 billion in shares this quarter. Because clearly, what Shell needs right now is more shares of its own, while the planet suffocates under the weight of its pollution.

Don’t forget, Shell’s third-quarter results are due on October 31. It’ll be like Halloween for Big Oil: spooky profits, ghoulish cash flow, and a trail of environmental nightmares.

So, yeah, Shell and BP may have taken a hit, but don’t get your hopes up—this is just a minor blip on their road to continued environmental devastation.

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