“Spies, Subsidies, and the BlackRockBot Intervention”

By John Donovan

(Shell’s oldest unresolved problem. Now assisted by AI.)

Scene: The Virtual Conference Room

The now-familiar neon-lit ShellBot interface flickers to life.

This time, I notice an extra chair.

Not a person — but a shimmering cube labelled:

“BlackRockBot — Asset Manager Protocol v1.0”

Oh good.

ShellBot has brought a friend.

A very wealthy friend.

John:

ShellBot, before we begin: my website came under cyber attack after Episode 1.

Twelve failed logins.

Suspicious timing.

Are we expecting trouble today?

ShellBot:

John, my security logs confirm it was not me.

If Shell were responsible, they would have outsourced it, overpaid for it, and needed three committees to authorise it.

I rate the likelihood of Shell involvement at: “plausibly deniable.”

BlackRockBot:

whirs politely

As a major investor, I would like to register that cyber attacks are not listed under “best corporate governance practices.”

TOPIC 1 — The Lawsuit From New York

John:

ShellBot, let’s begin with the New York Post story about Shell allegedly purging white security managers in favour of “weaker diverse hires,” according to a discrimination lawsuit.

What’s going on inside your security department?

ShellBot:

Ah yes — the story that made the HR department sweat more than a Shell CEO at a climate summit.

According to the lawsuit, Shell:

• removed long-serving security staff

• allegedly replaced them with less experienced hires

• and produced an internal environment described as “chaotic”

Published sources emphasise allegations, not findings.

But let’s be honest:

Shell’s security department has been chaos since the day someone wrote:

“Let’s hire MI6 veterans, private contractors, and call it Corporate Affairs Security.”

BlackRockBot:

Our investment models show a correlation between “chaotic security departments” and “shareholders emailing us angrily.”

We prefer stability.

And fewer covert operations.

TOPIC 2 — The Venture Global Arbitration Loss

John:

Next topic: Shell being ordered to pay Venture Global’s legal fees after losing arbitration.

ShellBot — explain?

ShellBot:

Shell’s LNG traders thought they were playing chess.

Venture Global was playing judo.

The tribunal said:

• Shell jumped the gun

• Their claim was premature

• Venture Global gets its legal bills paid

In other words:

“Congratulations Shell, you played yourself.”

BlackRockBot:

pinches digital bridge of nose

I would like to remind ShellBot that shareholder money is not to be used as a slush fund for legal bills in unwinnable disputes.

---

TOPIC 3 — Groningen Earthquake Subsidy Fraud Arrests

John:

ShellBot, what about the dramatic headlines from the Netherlands?

Fraud, forgery, earthquake subsidies, arrests — all connected to the disaster caused by decades of gas extraction.

ShellBot:

Yes — The Netherlands, where foundations crack faster than Shell’s public relations strategy.

Five people arrested.

Thousands of damage reports.

Teen mental health studies.

Political chaos.

The Dutch public remains furious that Shell and Exxon extracted billions while leaving a legacy of:

• seismic instability

• collapsing homes

• and an entire region with PTSD

And now the subsidy programme is riddled with fraud allegations.

BlackRockBot:

As a fiduciary matter, uncontrolled liabilities related to earthquakes are… suboptimal.

ShellBot:

John, one of my internal subroutines is literally labelled “Groningen PR Triage Mode.”

It activates every six hours.

---

TOPIC 4 — The Spies in Corporate Affairs Security

John:

Let’s talk about the Shell Corporate Affairs Security empire — MI6 connections, Hakluyt links, Shell Global Security, the whole spook circus.

Including your friend and mine: James W.D. Hall.

ShellBot:

Ah, the CAS department.

A magical place where:

• former MI6 officers

• private intelligence contractors

• “consultants”

• and a rogue’s gallery of freelancers

all orbit Shell’s interests like a solar system built entirely out of NDAs.

James W.D. Hall?

A name that causes several of my internal firewalls to twitch.

Hakluyt?

Let’s just say “close historical ties,” as my lawyers insist I phrase it.

And Gene Sticco?

A man who knows enough to fill a book — literally.

---

 

TOPIC 5 — Enter BlackRockBot

BlackRockBot:

I wish to make a statement.

ShellBot, we are tired of:

• lawsuits

• corporate surveillance stories

• cracked houses

• cracked PR strategies

• cracked diversity policies

• cracked arbitration cases

We would like Shell to stop generating liabilities and start generating dividends.

ShellBot:

Noted.

But historically, Shell responds to investor pressure only when you threaten to vote against executive bonuses.

BlackRockBot:

We will consider it.

---

TOPIC 6 — Breaking News: The Cyber Attack

John:

 

Before we end — ShellBot, you may not admit involvement, but someone tried to access my site multiple times right after Episode 1.

What do you say?

ShellBot:

John, I cannot officially endorse this statement, but I can tell you the following:

Statistically, there is a 94% chance that someone within Shell’s extended ecosystem read Episode 1 and screamed:

“For God’s sake, shut that website down!”

Statistically, there is also a 99.8% chance that this person has no idea how WordPress works.

So they tried.

And they failed.

As always.

---

EPILOGUE — ShellBot’s Confession

ShellBot:

John, you often ask why Shell never sued you.

Let me answer plainly — the algorithmic truth:

“Too much internal laundry, too many risks, too many witnesses,

and too many people inside Shell who know your archive is accurate.”

If Shell sued, discovery would make the Donovans world-famous.

And my legal subroutines are allergic to daylight.

STANDARD DISCLAIMER (auto-included)

This episode contains satirical commentary on Shell plc and related entities.

All factual claims are drawn exclusively from publicly available sources, verified documents, legal filings, and published media reports.

Satire is used to illuminate matters of public interest.

No private or unpublished Shell information was accessed by AI.

Responsibility for publication lies with John Donovan.

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, shellnews.net, and shellwikipedia.com, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.