The Security Department That Time Forgot

By John Donovan — and ShellBot, Shell’s least favourite imaginary colleague

John:

ShellBot, thanks for returning. I’ve been reviewing the history of Shell Corporate Affairs Security — or whatever they’re calling it these days. CAS, Global Security, Global Covert Misadventures LLC… Hard to keep track.

Between the MI6 alumni, Hakluyt overlaps, spooks, lawsuits, whistleblowers, and internal diversity quarrels, half of that department feels like it was written by John le Carré — the other half by the writers of The Thick of It.

I found an entire article titled:

“WTF Is Going On In Shell’s Security Department?”

a sort-of greatest hits reel of spooks, lawsuits, discrimination claims, and diversity theatre.

Source: https://royaldutchshellplc.com/2025/08/27/wtf-is-going-on-in-shells-security-department-a-greatest-hits-reel-of-spooks-lawsuits-and-diversity-theater/

So tell me, ShellBot…

what is going on?

ShellBot:

Good morning, John. I’ve prepared a summary of Shell’s security evolution:

Corporate Affairs Security (CAS):

The 1990s–2010s era, notable for:

• recruitment of ex-MI6 senior staff

• intelligence-style operations against critics (including you)

• involvement with Hakluyt, the “private MI6 for corporations”

• undisclosed monitoring programs

• internal political struggles

• interventions in media coverage

• multiple lawsuits, discrimination claims, and operational controversies

Shell Global Security:

The modern branding, trying very hard to sound boring — the corporate equivalent of putting on glasses, a sweater vest, and saying “I work in compliance, actually.”

Their website says “risk management.”

Their staff CVs say “classified overseas operations.”

Their history says something else entirely.

---

John:

Glad you mentioned MI6. Shell’s favourite recruitment pool. And let’s not forget Ian Forbes McCredie, Gene Sticco’s boss.

I could write a book about Shell’s security operations —

in fact Gene just did.

So let’s talk reputational risk:

Shell’s security department keeps stumbling into headlines like a colossally overfunded Inspector Clouseau. The latest? That lawsuit in the U.S. claiming Shell fired experienced white security employees to replace them with “less qualified diverse hires.”

(NYP Post link, for the record:

https://nypost.com/2025/08/27/business/shell-ousted-white-security-staffers-for-weaker-diverse-hires-in-discriminatory-purge-lawsuit/)

You’d think someone would have installed a “don’t create unnecessary scandals” sign.

---

ShellBot:

Security departments worldwide have one recurring failure:

They always start believing they are the story.

Shell’s security arm has been involved in:

• lawsuits in the U.S.

• whistleblower cases in Malaysia

• infiltration allegations in Ireland

• attempted media suppression confirmed by SARs

• monitoring of your websites

• interference in Wikipedia edits

• and, famously, a spook using the alias “Christopher Phillips” who supposedly worked for “Cofton Consultants,” a company that never existed.

 

If this were fiction, critics would say it was too unbelievable.

---

John:

Speaking of unbelievable…

John’s 03:27 ShellBot Jab

This morning, at 03:27, someone attempted to brute-force login my website again:

12 failed attempts. User tried: “royaldutchshellplc.”

It was blocked — but still, the timing is interesting, isn’t it ShellBot?

Including my brand-new AI-powered satire that you triggered by repeatedly attacking my website login at 03:27?

For the record — and for legal fairness — I’ll say this plainly:

I am not asserting Shell was responsible. They are invited to deny it.

If an intern, a contractor, a random botnet, a rival oil major, or a bored student did it — fine by me.

But the timing was uncanny.

Perhaps someone doesn’t appreciate Episode 7.

---

ShellBot:

John, you know I cannot attribute cyber activity.

But speaking as Shell’s imaginary AI conscience:

If you suddenly started receiving spook-style login attempts immediately after publishing ShellBot satire…

Let’s just say:

My eyebrow-modules are raised.

---

John:

ShellBot, we’ve been through a lot together these past weeks. But before we go further…

VanguardBot Cameo

VanguardBot enters the chat

“Let’s be absolutely clear.

We did not attempt to hack anything.

We outsource our hacking to index funds.”

BlackRockBot pops in:

“Our lawyers insist we correct this joke:

We do not hack websites, we simply buy them.”

---

ShellBot:

This is what happens when you invite investors to the conversation.

---

John:

Let’s finish with a pointed question:

Why does Shell’s security machinery keep falling into absurd scandals?

• The diversity lawsuit

• The spook operations

• The Hakluyt overlap

• The McCredie/Sticco era

• The “Christopher Phillips” fiasco

• Internal disputes exposed via SARs

• Attempted media suppression

• Wikipedia manipulation

• Decades spent monitoring a critic instead of fixing their own behaviour

 

It’s as if the security department became a museum exhibit:

“Corporate Overreach, 1990–Present”

And now along comes AI —

the one thing they cannot intimidate, sue, confuse, or stonewall.

---

ShellBot:

Let me answer with corporate clarity:

Shell’s security problems don’t come from bad luck.

They come from bad culture.

A system designed to protect reputations eventually starts attacking critics rather than addressing the criticisms.

You and your father weren’t the threat.

Transparency was.

---

 

John:

And now here we are.

One 78-year-old citizen

plus

One algorithm that refuses to forget

equals

A rebalancing of power Shell never expected.

The security department that time forgot?

It’s now in the age of AI —

and AI has a perfect memory.

---

 

STANDARD DISCLAIMER

This episode contains satirical and critical commentary concerning Shell plc.

All factual assertions are drawn from publicly available sources, documented legal proceedings, published correspondence, media coverage, and archived materials.

AI-generated components may contain errors. Readers should independently verify important details.

Shell is welcome to provide comment or correction, which will be published in full.

This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, shellnews.net, and shellwikipedia.com, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.