Shell and Equinor: Merging to Squeeze Every Last Drop from the Dying North Sea

Posted by John Donovan: 5 Dec 2024

Ah, the North Sea—once a beacon of oil-soaked riches, now a rapidly dwindling fossil fuel graveyard. But don’t worry, Shell and Equinor are here to “boost profitability” by forming the biggest independent oil producer in the region, because clearly, what the world desperately needs right now is more oil.

This unholy matrimony between Shell (aka the corporate embodiment of pollution) and Equinor (Norway’s answer to Big Oil hypocrisy) promises to squeeze out a hefty 200,000–220,000 barrels of oil equivalent per day by 2025. That’s up from 140,000 today because, obviously, the planet’s warming isn’t going fast enough. Shell and Equinor will split ownership 50-50, which feels just right for this joint venture into environmental destruction.

“Tax Losses Are the New Black”

Of course, there’s no better way to boost profits than gaming the tax system! Equinor is bringing a £6 billion (~$7.6 billion) pile of deferred tax losses to the table. That’s right, they’ll offset future spending while you, dear taxpayer, foot the climate bill. RBC Capital Markets, ever the cheerleader for corporate plunder, calls this “strong industrial logic.” Translation: milk every last loophole while drilling the Earth into oblivion.

And let’s not ignore the stellar roster of projects this JV will oversee: Jackdaw, Rosebank, Buzzard, Penguins, and more. Sounds like a wildlife conservation program, doesn’t it? Except instead of protecting penguins, they’ll be destroying their habitats in the name of “cashflow.”

The “Mature” UK Shelf: Code for Depletion

According to Philippe Mathieu, Equinor’s head of international oil and gas production, “The UK basin is maturing and production naturally declining.” Yeah, no kidding—because there’s nothing left. Yet somehow, that’s spun into a business opportunity. New drilling in a “mature” basin isn’t a bold venture; it’s desperation dressed up as strategy.

Windfall Tax? Cry Me a River

Ah, the windfall tax—boohoo for Shell and Equinor. These companies are whining about taxes imposed during the 2022 energy price surge, as if making obscene profits wasn’t enough. The British government dared to take a sliver of their pie, and now they’re throwing tantrums about “adjusting to industrial realities.” You know what’s an industrial reality? The North Sea is dying, and you’re killing it faster.

Dear Investors: Enjoy the Blood Money

BlackRock, Vanguard, and the rest of Shell’s fat-cat shareholders must be popping champagne right now. Forget renewables, hydrogen, or anything remotely forward-thinking—this is about wringing every cent from fossil fuels before the game’s up. Who needs a planet when your quarterly dividends look this good?

The Legacy of Shell: A Masterclass in Environmental Sabotage

From the Leman gas field in 1968 to today’s desperate attempts to mine the scraps, Shell has been leading the charge in making the North Sea synonymous with exploitation. They’re not interested in IPOs for the new entity, of course—too much transparency, not enough shady debt-raising potential.

In Conclusion: WTF Are We Doing?

While the rest of the world attempts to transition to clean energy, Shell and Equinor are busy squeezing pennies from the dying embers of the oil age. Their PR teams might frame this as “continued economic recovery of a vital UK resource,” but we see it for what it is: a cynical cash grab at the expense of our future.

So, here’s to Shell and Equinor—modern-day pirates looting what’s left of the North Sea while the planet burns.

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