Shell + BP: The UK’s Favorite Oil Villains and Their Spying Side Hustle

Ah, the latest thrilling instalment in the saga of the UK’s most ruthless polluters—Shell and BP! This time, the British government might need one villain to rescue the other. Because when your country’s energy strategy revolves around two corporate behemoths that specialise in environmental destruction, economic extortion, and good old-fashioned espionage (hi, Hakluyt!), what could possibly go wrong?

Let’s start with BP—currently flailing like a fish on an oil-slicked shoreline. After its spectacular failure to pivot from fossil fuels to renewables (who could’ve guessed that wasn’t done in good faith?), BP’s stock is circling the drain. CEO Murray Auchincloss’s brilliant plan to double down on oil and gas has failed to excite investors, and hedge fund shark Elliott Management now holds a 5% stake, sniffing around for a board shake-up and even more brutal cost-cutting.

Meanwhile, rumours abound that BP could be scooped up by an American oil giant or a Gulf national oil company. Because, sure, when a British corporation becomes a liability, the logical move is to sell it to the highest international bidder. And why not? BP still has prime assets worldwide—shale basins in the U.S., Gulf of Mexico drilling, operations in Brazil, the North Sea, and the Middle East, not to mention its trading business and retail brand. Last year, it cranked out 2.36 million barrels of oil per day, generating a cool $8.9 billion in net profit. What’s not to love?

White Knight or Just Another Greedy Horseman of the Apocalypse?

Enter Shell—BP’s equally nefarious sibling and potential “saviour.” Shell, which ditched The Hague for London in 2022 to better align itself with the UK’s corporate favouritism, is reportedly the government’s best hope for keeping BP in British hands. Why? If BP is acquired by a foreign competitor, the UK loses a major source of “soft power”—aka economic leverage disguised as energy policy.

Of course, it’s not like Shell is any less of a corporate villain. With its $210 billion market cap, it could easily swallow BP whole, keeping all those lovely oil fields, drilling rigs, and pollution-spewing plants safely under UK control. But there’s one tiny problem: Shell CEO Wael Sawan isn’t interested. He’d rather stick to his bread and butter—cost-cutting, LNG expansion, and maximizing shareholder returns for the likes of BlackRock, Vanguard, and State Street. Why waste money on a struggling rival when you can just continue making obscene profits by selling out the planet?

Meanwhile, in the Shadows…

Let’s not forget the little side project both of these companies have been involved in—spying on activists, journalists, and critics through their joint intelligence firm, Hakluyt. Shell and BP have long relied on their private espionage arm to keep an eye on potential “troublemakers”—a.k.a. anyone who dares to question their environmental destruction, tax avoidance, or general corporate malfeasance. Nothing says “national champion” like a company that treats its critics as enemies of the state.

The UK’s Oil-Soaked Future

So, what happens next? The British government could try to block BP’s sale under the National Security Investment Act, claiming it’s in the interest of “energy security.” But let’s be honest—this government has never met a corporate interest it didn’t bow to. If BP remains financially weak, market forces will win, and a foreign buyer will step in.

Will Shell ultimately come to the rescue? Only if it aligns with its profit-first, people-last ethos. But as the world grapples with climate crises and the ever-worsening consequences of fossil fuel addiction, one thing is certain: whether BP stays British or not, both these companies will continue their relentless pursuit of profit, their utter disregard for the environment, and their behind-the-scenes espionage games—because at the end of the day, nothing matters more to them than their bottom line.

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