APPLICATIONS INVITED FOR A PENDING VACANCY AT ROYAL DUTCH SHELL PLC FOR THE POSITION OF COMPANY SECRETARY AND GENERAL COUNSEL CORPORATE. THE VACANCY ARISES FROM THE PENDING RETIREMENT OF THE CURRENT HOLDER, MR MICHIEL BRANDJES (ABOVE). GENEROUS SALARY, CHAUFFEUR, PRIVATE JET AND BONUS SCHEME FOR THE RIGHT PERSON.
- Must have flexible integrity, a wiliness to bend rules and regulations, communicate in double Dutch, participate in cover-ups (e.g. the Brent Bravo scandal), mislead financial regulators and shareholders (reserves scandal), ignore emails, even from Shell shareholders; delay issuance of profit warnings; put the best interests of crooked Shell directors first, in the confident knowledge that they are insured against incompetence, negligence and dishonesty, and can still walk away with an $18.5 million payoff (Sir Philip) even if they ruin the company.
- Be prepared to conspire with colleagues, anticipating potentially embarrassing questions that might be raised at the Shell AGM and devising deliberately evasive and misleading answers.
- Willing to have tea and biscuits with Messrs Kane and Rooney when they make their annual OSSL blackmail pilgrimage to the Shell AGM, demanding payment for alcohol used to bribe Irish cops on Shell’s behalf.
- Vigorously defend Shell’s whitewash of its support for Hitler and the Nazi.
- Fend off all claims that Shell has stolen Intellectual Property.
- Be prepared to authorise private undercover spies to infiltrate and destroy/undermine perceived enemies, such as Greenpeace and anyone that sues Shell.
This assessment of ideal requirements is based on the current occupant of the office of Shell Company Secretary and his recent predecessors.
This is the link you need to use for all Shell job applications.
Note from John Donovan. The timing of this invitation is based on my information that Mr Brandjes is 60 years old in December and will be retiring from Shell. If this is wrong, then he only needs to let me know and it will be removed immediately. I would send him an email to double check but he never bothers to reply even though I am a Shell shareholder. Nonetheless, I hope that he has a long enjoyable retirement whenever that day arrives.