🤡 Unplanned Maintenance, Cyclones, and a Whole Lot of Fossil Fuel Fantasy
Just when you thought Shell Plc might start taking the climate crisis seriously, they drop a fresh load of fossil-fueled optimism—while their gas output slumps and their climate credibility melts faster than Arctic ice in a heatwave.
In a new “trading update” (read: PR gloss-over), Shell confessed that natural gas and LNG production in the first quarter of 2025 was—gasp!—lower than expected. The reason? Oh, just some “unplanned maintenance” in Australia and “cyclones.” You know, the kinds of weather events that are becoming more frequent because of companies like Shell.
The energy giant now expects integrated gas production of 910,000 to 950,000 barrels of oil equivalent, which is below their previously stated range. But hey, it’s still better than last quarter, so—cue the champagne in the C-suite.
And don’t worry, Shell still has good news for its shareholders: oil production is up, refining margins are rising, and trading is strong. Because if there’s one thing Shell does better than drilling holes in the earth, it’s making money from the mess.
🚨 Shell’s Strategy: Drill, Delay, Distract
Let’s be clear: Shell’s CEO Wael Sawan isn’t just steering the ship—he’s strapping it to a rocket and aiming it straight into the sun. His master plan? Slash clean energy investments, double down on fossil fuels, and throw money at shareholders until they stop asking awkward questions about carbon emissions or existential risk.
In fact, Shell now plans to return 40% to 50% of cash flow to investors—up from 30-40%. Because when your house is on fire, the smart move is clearly to hand out gold bars instead of calling the fire brigade.
Meanwhile, Shell’s liquefied natural gas (LNG) output has also taken a hit: 6.4 to 6.8 million tons, down from a previous forecast of 6.6 to 7.2 million. Not that it stops them from still pledging 4–5% annual growth in LNG sales by 2030. That’s right—climate be damned, the methane must flow.
📉 Market Meltdown? Never Mind, We’re Trading!
As markets tanked in response to Trump’s trade war sequel and an OPEC+ supply surprise, Shell’s stock dropped over 11% last week—and slid further at Monday’s open in London. But the real headline? Trading is “significantly higher” this quarter. Because who needs a stable planet when your derivatives desk is on fire (in a good way)?
Let’s quote Shell’s ever-cheerful press office:
“Integrated gas production was impacted by unplanned maintenance, including in Australia,”
and LNG volumes reflected “weather impact (cyclones) and unplanned maintenance in Australia.”
Translation: the planet is punching back, and we’re still not changing course.
💸 Meanwhile at BlackRock and Vanguard…
Shell’s biggest investors, including BlackRock and Vanguard, continue to clutch their dividend checks while whispering sweet nothings about ESG. The world’s literally burning, and they’re still checking whether Exxon or Shell has the better payout ratio. Spoiler: they both win, you lose.
🤡 Other Notable WTFs:
• Shell’s marketing volumes are down — so fewer fossil-fuelled joyrides, but profits remain safe.
• The refining margin is up to $6.20 a barrel, because if you’re going to process dinosaurs, you might as well get your margin.
• Mobility & Lubricants (no, really, that’s a business segment) is doing fine, but “Sectors & Decarbonisation” is underperforming. Because decarbonisation at Shell is a hobby, not a goal.
💀 Final Thoughts: Shell Be Like…
“Sure, we missed our gas targets, but we’re really killing it on trading—so who cares if it’s all built on a burning future?”
Shell remains the world’s most accomplished arsonist in a fire it helped start, now selling hoses to the neighbors while buying up the land underneath their feet.
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