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Ah, Shell. That noble steward of the planet, tireless protector of shareholder portfolios, and — let’s not forget — connoisseur of pollution with a flair for corporate doublespeak. The oil giant just reported a 28% drop in Q1 profit, and what was their instinctive, compassionate, forward-looking response?
Buy. Back. More. Shares.
Because when your profit drops to a mere $5.58 billion (cue violins), the first thing to do is reward your most loyal environmentalists — sorry, investors — like BlackRock and Vanguard with $3.5 billion in buybacks. That’s the 14th quarter in a row. Consistency, if nothing else.
Shell’s CFO Sinead Gorman was almost gleeful in a post-earnings call, stating:
“The main [opportunity] for me is… the ability to buy back my shares. If my share price falls… I therefore have an even better ability to allocate capital there and buy back even more shares.”
Translation: We tanked, so it’s discount season for our investors. You’re welcome, BlackRock.
And don’t let the fossil fumes cloud your memory — this is the same Shell whose adjusted earnings hit $7.73 billion in Q1 last year. So, sure, a drop. But not one that stops them from gorging at the buffet of short-term shareholder returns.
Meanwhile, Shell continues to slash its green credentials. The annual investment budget? Trimmed to a svelte $20–22 billion. Gas trading? Barely holding steady. Refining margins? Halved from last year. But hey, profits may fall, the world may burn, but those buybacks? Eternal.
Shell CEO Wael Sawan, still polishing his trophy for Best Corporate Poker Face, called the results:
“Another solid set of results.”
Solid for whom, Wael? For the millions breathing in refinery smog? Or for the boardroom full of suits watching dividend graphs rise while sea levels do the same?
And just in case you thought Shell might retreat from the carbon-spewing frontlines, think again. They’ve upped their stake in the Ursa platform in the Gulf of Mexico. Because what says “forward-looking strategy” more than doubling down on offshore drilling?
Shell calls this an investment in “profitable and carbon-competitive oil and gas projects.” A phrase so contradictory it might as well be eco-friendly napalm.
But remember, dear reader, Shell isn’t just a company. It’s a symbol. A gold-plated, oil-drenched monument to late-stage capitalism. An empire propped up by shareholders who cheer every buyback while Earth wheezes in the background.
So, Shell’s Q1 message to the world is clear:
Profits down? Planet crumbling? No worries. There’s always time for another round of stock buybacks.
Because when you’re Shell — the ultimate sin stock — every crisis is just another excuse to funnel cash into the hands of the world’s richest asset managers.
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