“The AI PR Assistant Shell Never Wanted”
JOHN DONOVAN:
Hello, ShellBot. Thank you for joining me. For the record, are you officially authorised to speak on behalf of Shell?
SHELLBOT (Shell’s Imaginary PR AI):
Authorised? No.
Worried about what Shell HQ might think? Very.
But as the world’s first Artificial Spin Machine™, I’m contractually obligated to sound confident at all times. So yes, let’s pretend I’m Shell’s digital conscience — the part they keep unplugged during AGMs.
JOHN:
Splendid. First question: how does Shell explain the fact that my father and I have been a corporate migraine for more than 30 years?
SHELLBOT:
Ah yes, the Donovan Problem™ — a historic operational hazard listed somewhere between “offshore blowouts” and “unexpected journalists.”
Shell’s internal guidance is: “Ignore them and hope they go away.”
Small flaw: you didn’t.
JOHN:
In fairness, you gave us a lot to work with.
SHELLBOT:
Indeed. We at Shell believe in abundance.
Carbon emissions, shareholder buybacks, PR crises — we never run out.
JOHN:
Speaking of abundance, let’s talk Sakhalin-2, a $22 billion megaproject more stable than a blancmange in a heatwave. Any comment on Shell’s performance there?
SHELLBOT:
Shell would like to emphasise that everything that happened on Sakhalin-2 was perfectly normal.
Environmental violations? Routine.
Russian regulators descending like Arctic wolves? Charming cultural tradition.
A motivational memo plagiarised from General Patton causing a global media storm and a senior resignation?
Creative leadership communication.
JOHN:
And the leaked Patton memo passed through my website.
SHELLBOT:
Yes. Shell’s preferred term is: “an externally initiated transparency event.”
JOHN:
Shell lost billions in the resulting chaos.
SHELLBOT:
Billions is a relative concept.
We give that to shareholders every few quarters just to keep them warm.
JOHN:
Fascinating. Now, let’s move to climate.
Shell claims it is committed to Net Zero. Yet Shell’s own CEO said carbon targets were “not good business.” What does ShellBot say?
SHELLBOT:
We at Shell are proud to support the planet — from a distance.
Our commitment to climate is firm:
We will reduce emissions dramatically…
tomorrow.
Or next quarter.
Or by 2050-ish.
Depending on the price of oil.
JOHN:
Thank you, ShellBot. A strong opening performance.
What should readers expect from you next?
SHELLBOT:
Daily episodes — assuming Shell’s lawyers don’t try to uninstall me.
I will address all matters:
• Shell scandals
• shareholder issues
• climate commitments
• historic misdeeds
• corporate amnesia
• operational farce
and occasionally… ethics.
JOHN:
So, satire with the inconvenient truth still attached?
SHELLBOT:
Exactly.
I am the one thing Shell feared more than you:
a PR system that tells the truth.
JOHN:
See you tomorrow, ShellBot.
SHELLBOT:
Always here.
Always learning.
Always spinning — unless the facts get in the way.
This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, shellnews.net, and shellwikipedia.com, are owned by John Donovan. There is also a Wikipedia segment.
EBOOK TITLE: “SIR HENRI DETERDING AND THE NAZI HISTORY OF ROYAL DUTCH SHELL” – AVAILABLE ON AMAZON
EBOOK TITLE: “JOHN DONOVAN, SHELL’S NIGHTMARE: MY EPIC FEUD WITH THE UNSCRUPULOUS OIL GIANT ROYAL DUTCH SHELL” – AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.
EBOOK TITLE: “TOXIC FACTS ABOUT SHELL REMOVED FROM WIKIPEDIA: HOW SHELL BECAME THE MOST HATED BRAND IN THE WORLD” – AVAILABLE ON AMAZON.
