Shell “working with advisers” to assess the “merits” of acquiring BP

Shell Eyes BP: A Sin Stock Wedding Made in Hell

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Hell hath no fury like Shell with a cash pile and a conscience to ignore.

The ultimate sin stock — Shell Plc, the polluting powerhouse adored by BlackRock and Vanguard — is reportedly toying with the idea of buying BP, its longtime frenemy in fossil-fuelled destruction. The deal, if it goes ahead, would be one of the largest oil industry takeovers in history — and perhaps the most poetic union of corporate cynicism in living memory.

According to insiders, Shell is “working with advisers” to assess the “merits” of acquiring BP, but — ever the romantic — it’s holding out for a few more price drops before popping the question. BP shares have already plummeted by nearly a third in the last 12 months. The sharks are circling, and Shell is measuring the temperature of the water — and the oil.

Shell CEO Wael Sawan, the poster child of Big Oil’s “back-to-basics” strategy, was predictably coy:

“We have to have our own house in order… but of course we’ll keep looking at inorganic opportunities.”

Translation: Once we’ve wrung every cent out of our own stock, we’ll consider mopping up the neighbours.

Shell’s own valuation now stands at £149 billion, more than double BP’s measly £56 billion. But why merely outperform your old rival when you can absorb them entirely and rewrite the rules of oil monopoly bingo?

Let’s not forget: Shell and BP used to be two halves of the same carbon-choked coin. Once known as Shell-Mex and BP, they sold fuel, traded secrets, and even co-funded apartheid in South Africa. Their joint spy network Hakluyt — founded by former MI6 operatives — still serves as a shadowy reminder that these two know exactly how to keep their dirty laundry out of sight.

A takeover wouldn’t just revive their sordid past — it would make ShellBP Plc (or is it BP Hell Plc?) the most unapologetically extractive force in Western Europe. Forget ESG. This is full-throttle fossil capitalism with a straight face and a burning planet behind it.

And what’s BP been doing while its share price evaporates? Well, under new CEO Murray Auchincloss, it’s ditched all that pesky “net-zero” waffle left behind by Bernard Looney, slashed share buybacks, and promised to refocus on oil. A pivot that’s impressed exactly no one — except perhaps Elliott Investment Management, the activist investor now brandishing a 5% stake and begging for more “transformative measures.” Like, say, a shotgun wedding with Shell.

Sawan, ever the tactician, says Shell wants deals that add to free cash flow per share in a “relatively short period.”Because nothing screams visionary climate strategy like squeezing short-term profit out of a 116-year-old emissions factory.

To be fair, Shell is still licking its lips over its LNG acquisition of Pavilion Energy, showing it can do deals… so long as they smell like methane and shareholder returns.

So here we are: one oil giant deflated, one flush with buybacks, both with a long history of treating democracy, transparency, and the planet as inconveniences. If this merger happens, it won’t be a surprise — it’ll be a natural disaster in corporate form.

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TL;DR: Shell may buy BP, reuniting two fossil-fuel relics of imperial extraction, espionage, and apartheid economics. The sin stock gets bigger, the greenwashing gets bolder, and the public — as always — gets fleeced.

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