Another day, another promotion at the House of Hydrocarbons
In the grand tradition of rearranging deckchairs on the Titanic—but with a sheen of corporate ambition—Shell has announced that Colette Hirstius, currently Executive Vice President of “Gulf of America” (because nothing says territorial confidence like renaming part of the ocean), will ascend to the role of President, Shell USA, on August 1, 2025.
She replaces Gretchen Watkins, who, after seven glorious years of “driving performance, discipline and simplification”—corporate code for maximising profits, minimising scrutiny, and slashing anything resembling a conscience—will step down on July 31, 2025.
Shell CEO Wael Sawan, the high priest of petro-propaganda, offered this masterclass in corporate boilerplate:
“I would like to thank Gretchen for her service as President of Shell USA, where her leadership has been key to driving performance, discipline and simplification in our US-based businesses.”
Oh, and don’t worry—Shell still sees “potential for further growth” in the US, because what’s better than being the largest off-taker of US LNG, having a deep-water drilling empire, and operating the nation’s biggest mobility network (that’s oil-speak for petrol stations), serving more than 7 million customers daily? Why, doing even more of it, of course.
“Under Colette’s leadership,” Sawan continued, “we intend to build on Shell’s competitive strengths as we deliver the secure energy our customers need to power their lives and businesses.”
Translation: expect more fossil fuels, more drilling, and more marketing fluff about “low-carbon offerings” while the company pours billions into expanding its oil and gas empire. Because nothing says “secure energy” quite like melting glaciers, catastrophic wildfires, and a Gulf of Mexico occasionally slick with crude.
Shell, ever the environmental Samaritan, wants you to know it’s “tackling the energy challenges of the future.” Presumably by digging them up faster. Their portfolio includes “oil, natural gas, petrochemicals, lubricants and refined fuel products,” with a token nod to “low-carbon offerings”—the PR equivalent of sprinkling a kale garnish on a triple cheeseburger.
Let’s not forget Shell’s well-heeled enablers. Top shareholders like BlackRock—yes, the asset management juggernaut that likes to play ESG messiah when it suits them—remain deeply invested. Because nothing says “sustainable finance” like betting the planet on oil futures.
Colette Hirstius now inherits a legacy of ruthless expansion, environmental degradation, and enough greenwashing to chlorinate the Gulf of Mexico. Congratulations, Colette—your golden shovel awaits.
Disclosure:
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