A satirical job advertisement for a Shell PR Crisis Manager
JOB POSTING: Global Head of Self-Inflicted Crises & Digital Amplification
Company: Shell
Location: Glass Tower of Despair (Corporate HQ)
Department: Public Relations & Fire-Fueling Logistics
Salary: Competitive (Includes hazard pay and an unlimited budget for external legal fees)
Location: Glass Tower of Despair (Corporate HQ)
Department: Public Relations & Fire-Fueling Logistics
Salary: Competitive (Includes hazard pay and an unlimited budget for external legal fees)
About the Role
Are you tired of traditional PR roles where success is measured by positive media coverage? Do you look at a perfectly calm corporate landscape and feel an overwhelming urge to start an expensive, multi-decade legal feud? If so, Shell is looking for you.
We are seeking a Global Head of Self-Inflicted Crises. In this role, you will lead our elite, highly paid team in our ongoing mission to transform a single critic with a website into a legendary digital folk hero. Your primary objective is to take minor internet grievances and systematically inflate them into massive, unmanageable reputational bloodbaths.
Key Responsibilities
- Feed the Monster: Monitor a specific critical website daily. Ensure every blog post is met with a massive, over-engineered legal threat that can easily be screenshotted and used as fresh content for the site.
- Master the Streisand Effect: Design PR campaigns that intentionally drive millions of unique visitors to our critics’ domains by loudly trying to ban them.
- Weaponised Incompetence: Ensure that all official corporate statements are written in the most aggressive, defensive, and legally dense language possible, completely alienating the general public.
- Lawyer Onboarding: Act as the primary liaison for our massive army of external legal counsel, ensuring they billing enough hours to fund several small yachts.
- Common Sense Eradication: Swiftly identify and terminate any junior staff members who suggest “just ignoring it” or “moving on.”
Required Qualifications
- Experience: 10+ years in Corporate Communications, with a proven track record of grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory.
- Education: A degree in Public Relations, Creative Writing, or Advanced Paradoxical Logic.
- Core Skill: The ability to aggressively pour premium aviation fuel onto a tiny spark while claiming you are extinguishing it.
- Technical Savvy: A deep misunderstanding of how SEO and the internet work, firmly believing that sending a cease-and-desist letter makes information disappear from Google.
- Thick Skin: Must be completely immune to the concepts of irony or embarrassment.
What We Offer
- A state-of-the-art war room equipped with large screens displaying one single blog.
- An endless supply of premium antacids.
- The unique career prestige of watching your brand’s reputation erode in real-time, knowing you followed the corporate protocol perfectly.
How to Apply:
Do not send a CV. Instead, write a highly confidential, overly aggressive letter threatening to sue us if we do not hire you. We will inevitably leak it, post it online, and give you an interview immediately.
Do not send a CV. Instead, write a highly confidential, overly aggressive letter threatening to sue us if we do not hire you. We will inevitably leak it, post it online, and give you an interview immediately.
*This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, shellnews.net, and shellwikipedia.com, are owned by John Donovan - more information here. There is also a Wikipedia segment, the Shell DPA Files, "Shell and the Spies", the Shell Leaks files, as well as books written and published by John Donovan - Kindle eBooks. Timeline of the Donovan Shell Feud. Toxic History of Royal Dutch Shell Group. Shell and the Donovans: The Full Media Record — 550+ Articles, 110 Books, 40 Years. *All created and supported by internet wizz, Nick Gill.
