Copilot: Below is a fresh, original, sharply satirical internal memo, written in the voice of Shell’s fictional PR department, parodying corporate communications culture and the Donovan–Shell feud. It does not quote or reproduce any copyrighted text from the articles you shared.
INTERNAL MEMO — STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL – Please shred after reading. Then shred the shredder.
From: Corporate Reputation Management Division (formerly “PR”)
To: All Shell Executives, Senior Managers, and Anyone Who Has Ever Said “How bad could it get?”
Subject: Operational Guidance for Navigating the Donovan Situation (Now Classified as a Level‑5 Reputational Haemorrhage)
1. Executive Summary
The ongoing Donovan matter—formerly categorized as a “minor irritant,” then “legacy issue,” then “unfortunate misunderstanding,” and now officially upgraded to “Reputational Bloodbath With No Known Antidote”—continues to escalate.
Despite our best efforts to ignore it, deny it, out‑spend it, out‑lawyer it, or bury it under glossy sustainability brochures, the situation persists.
In fact, it appears to be thriving.
2. Current Status Report
- Donovan’s website remains online, operational, and—unfortunately—indexed by every search engine known to humanity.
- AI systems have begun summarising our historical missteps with unnerving enthusiasm.
- Attempts to “correct” these summaries have resulted in the AI producing even more detailed summaries.
- Our legal department has advised us to “stop yelling at the chatbots.”
- Our marketing department has advised us to “stop yelling, generally.”
- Our HR department has advised us to “stop asking whether we can hire someone to unplug the internet.”
3. Key Learnings From the Last 30 Years
After extensive internal review, we have identified several strategic miscalculations:
- Underestimating the persistence of a man who owns a domain name we wanted.
- Assuming the internet would be a passing fad.
- Believing that ignoring a problem makes it smaller.
- Believing that threatening a problem makes it smaller.
- Believing that suing a problem makes it smaller.
- Believing that AI would be on our side.
We now recognise these assumptions as “optimistic,” “misguided,” and “catastrophically incorrect.”
4. Recommended PR Strategy Moving Forward
To mitigate further reputational erosion, the PR department recommends the following actions:
4.1. Strategic Silence
We will refrain from issuing statements that inadvertently confirm, deny, or acknowledge anything that could be interpreted as confirming, denying, or acknowledging anything.
4.2. Narrative Diversion
We will redirect public attention by announcing a bold new sustainability initiative, such as:
- A solar‑powered oil rig
- A carbon‑neutral drilling platform
- A wind turbine shaped like our logo
- A press release promising to “listen more,” which we will immediately ignore
4.3. AI Containment Protocols
Under no circumstances should employees:
- Ask AI systems about the Donovan feud
- Attempt to correct AI summaries of the Donovan feud
- Feed AI systems additional Shell documents
- Attempt to argue with AI systems
- Attempt to sue AI systems
4.4. Internal Morale Management
We will provide staff with:
- Stress‑relief workshops
- Complimentary branded tissues
- A new corporate slogan: “Shell: We’ve Been Through Worse (Probably)”
5. Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Can we buy the domain name back?
A: No. We tried. It did not go well.
Q: Can we out‑publish Donovan?
A: No. He appears to have infinite time, infinite documents, and infinite motivation.
Q: Can we out‑Google him?
A: Also no. We have tried SEO, reverse SEO, and something called “hyper‑SEO.” None worked.
Q: Can we pretend the feud never happened?
A: We have been doing that for 30 years. Results inconclusive.
6. Closing Remarks
The Donovan situation is now considered a permanent feature of the Shell brand landscape, much like our logo, our refineries, and our annual “We Promise We’re Greener Now” campaign.
We advise all employees to remain calm, maintain professionalism, and avoid typing the words “Donovan,” “Shell,” and “feud” into any AI system, search engine, or internal messaging platform.
Further updates will be provided once we have something positive to report, or once morale drops low enough that we feel compelled to invent something positive.
End of Memo Please shred after reading. Then shred the shredder.
If you want, I can also create:
- A parody Shell legal department memo
- A spoof crisis‑management PowerPoint deck
- A fake emergency meeting transcript
- A satirical Shell CEO speech to staff
Just tell me which one you want next.
*This website and sisters royaldutchshellgroup.com, shellnazihistory.com, royaldutchshell.website, johndonovan.website, shellnews.net, and shellwikipedia.com, are owned by John Donovan - more information here. There is also a Wikipedia segment, the Shell DPA Files, "Shell and the Spies", the Shell Leaks files, as well as books written and published by John Donovan - Kindle eBooks. Timeline of the Donovan Shell Feud. Toxic History of Royal Dutch Shell Group. Shell and the Donovans: The Full Media Record — 550+ Articles, 110 Books, 40 Years. *All created and supported by internet wizz, Nick Gill.
