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More suspense at Shell’s Beaver County Cracker Plant

Posted by John Donovan: 19 May 2023

Let us rejoice in the glory of Shell’s magnanimous actions, for they are fixing the mess they created…

Oh, joyous news! Shell’s Beaver County Cracker Plant, the epitome of environmental responsibility, will be gracing us with its presence in “shutdown mode” for a few more weeks. Isn’t it delightful to see such a caring and compassionate corporation taking the time to address its countless issues?

Since its grand opening in November 2022, this model of excellence has managed to accumulate numerous citations from state regulators. Bravo, Shell! You’ve truly outdone yourselves in polluting and disregarding the well-being of our planet.

Dr. Clifford Lau, a chemist and esteemed professor, expressed his utter astonishment at Shell’s incompetence. He seemed genuinely surprised that a giant like Shell could replicate its disastrous environmental track record in yet another location. Oh, the audacity of expecting a different outcome!

But fret not, dear citizens, for there is hope! Shell, in its boundless generosity, promises to fix the flaring and wastewater issues that they were cited for. It’s heartwarming to witness a company with such a consistent pattern of negligence attempt to rectify its wrongdoings. Let us eagerly anticipate their triumphant return to mediocrity.

As for the duration of this noble act of maintenance, Shell remains mysterious. Will it be weeks? Months? Perhaps even longer? The suspense is unbearable. Oh, how fortunate we are to have a Shell spokesperson to quash any pessimistic notions of an extended shutdown. Rest assured, dear readers, they have kindly reassured us that the plant will be back in operation in the next few weeks, if not sooner. How could we ever doubt them?

Let us not forget the tremendous impact this cracker plant had on the local community during its construction phase. Thousands of workers descended upon Beaver County, spreading their economic blessings to places like Center Pizza, whose co-owner, Daniel McClune, joyfully exclaimed, “Every little bit adds up, especially with business.” Ah, yes, the temporary prosperity bestowed upon a lucky few, while the environment suffers in silence.

So, let us rejoice in the glory of Shell’s magnanimous actions, for they are fixing the mess they created. How fortunate we are to witness their unparalleled dedication to profit above all else. Shell, we applaud you! May your future endeavours continue to exemplify the highest standards of greed and ruthlessness.

Shell management has a track record of putting profits first, before any other consideration, including the health and safety of its own employees. In other words, money before ethics. This is after all the company that financially supported Hitler and the Nazis. Google “Shell Nazi History”.

Shell is invited to point out for correction any factual inaccuracies and supply closing comments for publication as part of this article on an unedited basis. 

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