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Shell’s Review of Chemical Business Reveals Unprecedented Concern for Lagging Performance

Oh, how fortunate we are to witness such corporate empathy and selflessness from a paragon of virtue like Shell.

Posted Sunday 11 June 2023 by John Donovan

In a display of unparalleled benevolence, Shell has quietly initiated a review of its chemicals business, as reported by The Wall Street Journal on Sunday, much to the surprise of unaware onlookers. Apparently, this extraordinary act aims to address the trivial matter of “lagging performance,” a concern shared by a handful of greedy investors.

It appears that Shell’s chemicals business suffered a minuscule $1.4 billion full-year loss in 2022, according to some obscure concept called “adjusted earnings.” It’s truly heartwarming to witness the stark contrast between such a negligible loss and the colossal $16.1 billion in adjusted full-year earnings brought in by Shell’s integrated gas division. Clearly, this calls for immediate action!

But fear not, dear investors, for Wednesday will bring enlightenment as the oil giant graces us with its plans on how to magnanimously allocate its vast energy profits during its Capital Markets Day. Brace yourselves as the focus of all interests centers around Shell’s quarterly dividend payout, a matter of utmost importance to the virtuous investors. After all, Shell graciously began restoring its dividend after reluctantly cutting it in 2020 due to some inconsequential global pandemic affecting oil markets.

Oh, how fortunate we are to witness such corporate empathy and selflessness from a paragon of virtue like Shell. Surely, their tireless efforts to maximize profits while maintaining a pristine environmental record should be celebrated and applauded by all.

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